The 13 most depressing lines from Angels in the Outfield

Tuesday July 15th, 2014

The Christopher Lloyd remake of Angels in the Outfield came out 20 years ago today! We celebrated by watching the childhood classic... and quickly re-discovered how depressing it is. So on its 20th birthday, we bring you...

The 13 most depressing lines from Angels in the Outfield
    1. Do you believe in heaven?
    JP: Roger, do you believe in heaven?
    ROGER: I guess. That’s where they said my mom went.
    JP: Maybe that’s where my dad went.
    ROGER: Probably.
    Cool, so in the first lines of the movie, two kids existentially contemplate mortality, oh and also their parents are dead.

    2. Family that likes losers.
    Roger comes home to find his dad waiting for him. He's excited at first, but this is what his dad says to him:
    DAD: The Angels still your team?
    ROGER: Yeah.
    DAD: They're in last place.
    ROGER: Yeah.
    DAD: Runs in the blood. Family that likes losers.
    And then he puts a cigarette out on his thigh:

    And he wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle away forever, so you know this dad is bad news:


    3. Rapping about how bad their team is
    After the Angels lose, we follow them back to the locker room where one player has made up a fun rap song about how terrible they are at baseball:
    We are the boys of summer
    And it’s a big bummer
    No matter who we play
    We give the game away
    Cuz we can’t win
    That would be a sin
    We even lose the games before they begin
    This is depressing because he wrote a song about how terrible his own team is, but it's also depressing because watching this guy try to rap is absolutely cringe-worthy.

    4. You could drop dead
    At dinner in the foster home, the boys are talking about The Angels, where Miguel reveals himself to be a future serial killer:
    JP: They could win. It could happen.
    MIGUEL: Yeah, and you could drop dead after dinner. Food poisoning.
    This is said to a child who is not old enough to tell time yet.

    5. Pain pills
    Legendary baseball player Mel Clarke has been on the DL for the entire season, and he wants to convince cantankerous Angels manager George Knox to let him play again. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned:
    CLARKE: When am I getting off the injured list?
    KNOX: How's never sound? You're here 'cause you got a contract that pays you to be here. You blew your arm out. Played on too many pain pills.
    CLARKE: Pain pills? Hey, you were the one stuffing 'em down my throat five years ago.
    The intricacies of performance-related drug dependency are a little harsh for young minds, aren't they?

    6. "Yeah, well tell your parents about it."
    Roger is trying to describe the angels he saw in the outfield, and the guy sitting next to him says, "Yeah, well tell your parents about it." This happens like, 12 hours after Roger's dad abandons him.

    7. Used to be
    When they're passing Mel Clarke as he gives out autographs, someone tells JP that Clarke used to be a great baseball player. Since JP is 6 years old, he hasn't mastered the intricacies of human language yet, and this happens:
    JP: You used to be Mel Clarke!
    CLARKE: Yeah. I used to be.

    8. Kids and the court system
    Knox goes to Roger's house to try to figure out whether there is any truth to what the boy said about angels. He's talking to Roger's foster mom, Maggie, and she shares a depressing observation on the foster care system:
    KNOX: Roger, he's got a wild imagination? Always making up stories?
    MAGGIE: No... fact is, most kids who are taken away from their parents by the court system have a good handle on reality.
    You know. Because they've seen some really dark stuff.

    9. "Terminally ill"
    After the Angels win their second game, the announcer asks:
    Can we now say the Angels are on a winning streak, or were these last two wins just a blip on the screen of a terminally ill patient?
    Have fun explaining to your 2nd-grader what "terminally ill" means!

    10. JPs sad backstory
    After the Angels win another game, Knox is so thrilled he wants to drive the boys home in his car, but suddenly JP gets quiet and refuses to get in. Roger explains:
    ROGER: He used to live in a car with his mom. He slept in the front seat all curled up like a cat. When he gets in a car, his stomachache comes back.

    11. JP's dad leaves forever
    It kind of seemed like Roger had forgotten about his dad, you know, with the excitement of his baseball team pulling out of a slump and the whole "being able to see angels" thing. Then his dad shows up again just to officially walk out on him, in court, the legal way. Roger is excited to see his dad and starts telling him that the Angels are winning, so maybe they can be a family again. As his dad walks out without saying a word, Roger can only say:
    ROGER: Wait… Dad… did you hear what I said? Dad? Where are you going?

    12. Knox's super sad backstory
    After Roger's dad leaves, Knox tries to cheer him up with the most depressing motivational speech of all time:
    KNOX: You know Roger when I was growing up I never saw very much of my dad. He couldn’t take care of himself, so taking care of me and my brothers was out of the question. I’m not sure the pain that caused ever goes away. But I am sure you can’t go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down. Because if you do, a very bad thing will happen. You’ll end up like me.
    Does anyone in this movie have a stable home life?

    13. The end (of Clarke)
    The Angels are winning! And they're doing it all on their own, without any angels to help! What a great way to end the movie, right? Oh wait, Christopher Lloyd (the head angel) is back to deliver some news to Roger:
    ANGEL: I came here to check on Mel. He’s gonna be one of us soon. He smoked for years.
    Yep. That's right. He came back to the game just to announce that Mel Clarke is going to die within six months. Good thing you already explained to your kid what "terminally ill" means.

Follow Extra Mustard and Nicole Conlan on Twitter

SI Apps
We've Got Apps Too
Get expert analysis, unrivaled access, and the award-winning storytelling only SI can provide - from Peter King, Tom Verducci, Lee Jenkins, Seth Davis, and more - delivered straight to you, along with up-to-the-minute news and live scores.