This Seriously Doesn’t Make Any Sense
Team Cena won at Survivor Series, which means everyone partied and The Authority (Triple H and Stephanie) were kicked out of power. For some reason, Vince McMahon decides to give John Cena the sole power of reinstating The Authority, which seems baffling and random unless it’s playing into the arch, shadow storyline that Cena is the secret overlord of all the darkness in the universe.
So last week Daniel Bryan came out and booked Raw. Everyone has a good time. The revelry was cut short at the end of the show, however, when the Anonymous Raw GM… took back power? I guess? Even though that whole disguise was revealed to be Hornswoggle like three years ago? I don’t know man. Now this new(?) Anonymous GM is in charge of booking TLC, puts John Cena in a tables match, and threatens to strip him of his number one contendership.
Here’s the thing. There was no outside establishment putting the Anonymous GM back in power. There was no vote, no discussion, Vince McMahon is ostensibly kayfabe out of power. All logic implies that Raw is a leaderless show right now, so why can a bunch of AOL chimes show up and start throwing weight around? Why isn’t Daniel Bryan still the GM? Shouldn’t John Cena be in power or something? I seriously have no idea what’s going on. I know it doesn’t matter because we’re talking about this stuff in a purely character sense, but it still bugs me the writers didn’t come up with something, anything, to justify why anyone in the company is taking orders from an empty pedestal.
Oh by the way, my money is on Bad News Barrett.
A New Day is Here and it’s Okay I Guess
The only reason there was any controversy over The New Day was because it was originally teased as a conscious, black-separatist radical angle in the wake of that Atlantic article damning the WWE for their lack of color at the top of the tier list.
This of course, didn’t happen. Big E, Kofi, and Xavier Woods were nowhere to be seen for months, and instead received a preacher/James Brown gimmick. It’s a disappointment for those hoping these three would work with some stakes. Instead, they came out tonight clapping hands and wiping brows with tissues.
Whatever man, anyone claiming hardcore prejudice on this is drastically overselling the vice. All three of these dudes were jobber-core for months, now they’re beating former tag-team champions, and Kofi’s best-of-breed springboards are reserved for something other than Battle Royale spots. Personally, I love Big E; he’s one of my favorite guys in the whole company, and I’m just happy he’s not some forgotten NXT call-up anymore. Will The New Day raise themselves to the top of the card? Probably not, but it’s certainly opening the door for better things.
The Actual Best Tag Team of the Night
I’m saying this without the slightest hint of irony. If you saw Tyson Kidd and Cesaro walk out as tag-team partners and didn’t immediately squeal like a little girl you’re not a real wrestling fan. Straight up. This is the most exciting thing on the entire show, I love goober-y jerks who can wrestle great technical matches. This is TWO OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME. AND THEY WENT OVER! THEY HAVE BEEN READING MY LETTERS!
No Sympathy For The Bunny Anymore
Listen man, at a certain point you just gotta cut the bad vibes out of your life. Nobody is making you come out to the ring with that bully Adam Rose, and if they are, you need to call the police. Should I still feel sorry for The Bunny? I feel my empathy turning into exasperation.
Erick Rowan’s Genius Status is Permanent Kayfabe
There was a goofy little bit backstage, before Erick Rowan stormed out to the ring to get thrown around by Big Show, where he was doing a rubiks cube and fielding questions from one of the intrepid fake reporters.
In this interview, we learn that Erick Rowan has an IQ of 143, is a masterful guitar player, and an award-winning winemaker. He remains silent, and hands a now-completed rubiks cube to the reporter.
This is the sort of thing WWE will forget they did two weeks from now. Genius Erick Rowan is such a temporary gimmick it’s not even funny, but I’m not going to let the dream die. This is set in stone now, WWE. Erick Rowan is officially the smartest person in the company. You said it, not me.
While we’re at it, someone should remind Stardust about The Cosmic Key.
If Rusev Doesn’t Have Anything Interesting to Say, Keep Him Off The Show
I’m so, so tired of these Rusev segments where absolute nobodies like Jack Swagger surprise attack the dude for refusing to say the pledge of allegiance or whatever. A few months ago they did this segment where he just kinda walked around an American city, making fun of all the local color. If you don’t have anything for him this week, just let him do that! I’d love to see Lana and Rusev take down whatever it is to take down in Tulsa! What I don’t want to see is a washed-up Jack Swagger, a guy who’s lost so many times, inject himself into a monstrous undefeated streak.
The Day Wyatt Broke
Nothing to see here really. Wyatt takes his time killing R-Truth, cuts a lengthy, winding promo, gets interrupted by Dean Ambrose, the match at the next pay-per-view is coldly hyped. You’re used to this by now.
One cool thing though - after the interrupted promo and the subsequent, requisite brawl, Ambrose takes a mighty amount of pleasure in dismantling Wyatt’s famed rocking chair. Bray gets a look on his face like someone just kicked over his sandcastle. I’ve never seen a powerful character sell vulnerability that well. It’s just a shame it was wasted on a chair instead of a more powerful revelation of Wyatt’s false propheteering. Still pretty cool though!
A Six Man Tag Team Match Between Blah/Blah/Blah and Meh/Meh/Meh
My dad fell asleep during this match. I was looking at my phone. Six man tags are the clarion call for “man we really don’t know what we’re doing or where we’re going right now, so here’s this!” Nice that it wasn’t an interference finish, I guess.
Man, what a boring show! Better luck next time y’all.