Who would win Super Bowl XLIX if it weren't based on football?
The two weeks between conference title games and the Super Bowl is greatly appreciated by the players seeking a much-deserved break from intense physical contact and the media seeking to bombard consumers with insurmountable piles of recycled content. However, the two-week layoff is not appreciated by the people sick of hearing every tiny piece of the upcoming matchup dissected.
From the potentially deflated footballs to the effect that Tom Brady's pinky toe will have on his ability to check out of XY-Banana 76-Flanker Cross and into VQ-Cherry Mongolian 88-Blue Herron, almost every fan, especially non-Patriots and non-Seahawks fans, will have heard enough analysis and predictions from the so-called experts of the football world. Do yourself a favor and take periodic breaks from the constant bombardment of those predictions and look at the game through a different non-football lens.
Who would win Super Bowl XLIX if the game weren't based on football, but instead various random items?
Most Controversial QB
Boston Globe/Getty
Winner: Seattle Seahawks
One year ago this matchup would not even have been close. Tom Brady would have run away with it, not because he actually did anything controversial, but because of the sheer number of people who hated him. Even a week ago, this matchup was not even close, but Russell Wilson made up some serious ground with his comments following Seattle's miraculous overtime victory over the Packers.
A lot of people are fine with players thanking God for giving them strength during a big win, but Wilson quickly learned that more people are not fine with him saying God wanted him to throw four interceptions. The controversial comments nabbed Wilson thousands of new critics.
Best Entourage Appearance from Starting QB
Winner: New England Patriots
Both Tom Brady and Russell Wilson will be appearing in the Entourage movie, set for release this June. Although it's not entirely fair to give the edge to Brady without seeing Wilson's role, it's hard to imagine the defending Super Bowl champ will top his counterpart.
Brady appeared in the sixth season of the HBO show as himself during the "Fore" episode, alongside Mark Wahlberg. He and Wahlberg nailed their respective roles as the second half of Vince's and Drama's golf foursome.
Cage Match Between Starting Tight Ends
Winner: New England Patriots
If you need an explanation as to why Gronk would defeat Luke Willson, you need to re-evaluate a lot of things in life.
Most Bubble Gum Consumed by Head Coach
Winner: Seattle Seahawks
This one was never really a close race, as Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll's bubble gum obsession is widely-documented and basically unrivaled. It is unclear how many pieces he chews per game, but it's safe to assume the former USC man is not chomping on the same piece for 3-plus hours.
Superhero Fans
Winner: Seattle Seahawks
By now, you've heard about the bet between superhero action stars Chris Evans and Chris Pratt. Although Pratt's Guardians of the Galaxy character Peter Quill wasn't born with any special powers, his movie was one of the top-grossing films of 2014 at $333,176,600. Evans' Captain America: The Winter Soldier, on the other hand, only brought in $259,766,522. Even though they're both super cool guys, Pratt narrowly edges out Evans for the victory. But in this situation, isn't the real winner all of us? The more these guys interact, the better.
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Andrew Doughty is a writer for Next Impulse Sports
