An Extra Mustard guide to bribing college athletes

In the wake of allegations at Louisville, here are what college athletes really want.

Author:
Extra Mustard
Publish date:
Oct 20, 2015

The recruiting scandal du jour in college sports is a pretty spicy one: Former Louisville Cardinals basketball players and recruits confirmed they had sex with escorts allegedly paid for by former Louisville director of basketball operations Andre McGee.

Pretty crazy, right? I mean, what kind of school thinks escorts are the best way to connect with athletes? Some of us at Extra Mustard have attended college, and if schools really want to bribe athletes into committing, here are some hot, useful items that would really seal the deal:

• STAPLES: Cheating for Dummies: Your guide to smarter NCAA rule-breaking

Hot Plate

You know how difficult it is for college students to cook in their dorm? A hot plate will give an amateur chef the bare bones needed to whip up a grilled cheese in the comfort of their own double.

Shower Caddy & Flip Flops

Have you ever seen a dorm shower? Your foot would immediately fall off it touched one of those things. And a shower caddy is a must if you are going to get your limited edition Entourage-scented Axe Body wash collection there and back safely.

Dry Erase board

College athletes have busy schedules. What better way to keep track of their commitments than with an easily edited whiteboard?

The plastic thing with three drawers

College athletes need to be organized. Wouldn’t you love for them to be able to separate athletics and academics but still keep them close together? That’s why the three plastic drawers are perfect. Keep your athletic gear in one drawer, books in another and extra curricular stuff in the last one. Just kidding. College athletes don’t have time for extra curriculars.

Clip-on lamp

College can be a dark time, literally. Your roommate is asleep but you still want to read the latest issue of Sports Illustrated on your futon? With one of those clip-on lamps, your dream becomes a reality.

Command Strips

Athletes don’t get paid, so they can’t risk getting fined for holes in the wall on their end-of-year room inspections. Gotta get those no-damage adhesive strips.

Pulp Fiction poster

You know the one. Black and white. Sam Jackson’s curly locks almost dripping off the poster. You aren’t really a college kid until you have this poster. There’s no better way to prove you have great taste and an appreciation for the classics.