Here’s what we think NFL players would be like on Yelp

We imagined what some popular NFL players are reviewing on Yelp. 
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Tuesday, Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith Sr. quipped if he were reviewing the referees in Baltimore’s loss to the Arizona Cardinals on Yelp, he would rate them as two stars.

That got us here at Extra Mustard to thinking—what would NFL players and coaches be like on Yelp? Below, we dreamed up some examples of what people in the NFL are reviewing on the Internet, and exactly how they feel about those things.

Brock Osweiler on Papa John’s:


Brock O.:I don’t understand why people won’t stop talking about this place. I guess it used to be all right but now it sucks. I think there are better options if people are willing to tell themselves the truth. I’m sure I could deliver pizzas faster and farther than Papa John’s could at this point.

Danny Woodhead on convenience store sushi:


Danny W.: Just getting into this sushi thing so I thought I would start small. If all sushi is like this count me in! Wow, who knew this stuff was so good? I went to the Duane Reade on 50th and 6th though, so I don’t know if all of them uphold the quality. Service could have been better.

Joe Philbin on Heathrow International Airport in London:


Joseph P.: What is the big deal with London anyway? I’m sorry, didn’t we get rid of those guys 200 years ago? Heathrow sucks. London sucks. Everything sucks.​

Ryan Fitzpatrick on the Brooklyn Botanic Garden:


The Brooklyn Botanic Garden is LIT. Sometimes you just need a quiet place to read your 14th century British literature LMAO. Four stars because I thought some of the clientele could have been a little more respectful. I asked someone to tell me the genus of chrysanthemum flowers and they didn’t know. Fam. Everyone knows the genus of chrysanthemum is also chrysanthemum.

Kirk Cousins on Five Guys:


Kirk C.:Five Guys????? I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT.

Jay Cutler on Giordano’s deep dish pizza:


Jay C.: It was okay.​

Andrew Luck on Kroger’s grocery store:


Andrew L.: Just an unbelievable place. The produce was outstanding. You just don’t see apples like that every day. I went to the deli and they let me try a piece of turkey before slicing me a half pound. I live for that one slice of turkey you get before the rest of your order. The aisles are organized exactly how they should be. Did I mention the savings I’ve accrued by using my Kroger’s card? At this rate, I can retire from the NFL by age 30. Also, they have an appropriate amount of cashiers working at once. Never too many, never too few.​