Ballers Power Rankings: Episode 3, ‘Elidee’
Welcome to Extra Mustard’s weekly Ballers power rankings (click here for last week’s rankings). This week, in Season 2, Episode 3, Ricky Jerret gets paid, Vernon hides from the Cowboys, and Andre torments Spencer with flowers (and by trying to steal his clients).
1. Ricky Jerret (last week: 7)
Suck it, Buffalo! Ricky Jerret is going to play for the New Orleans Saints this season.
Things seemed bleak for ol’ Rick, didn’t they? Sean Peyton and Drew Brees couldn’t make the Saints’ pitch meeting? Not even Mark Ingram at the follow up? “Where’s the love?” the Dolphins castoff asked.
I’ll tell you where the love is, Ricky. It’s right there on an airport tarmac. Dozens of people are singing and dancing and playing music so you will sign in New Orleans. Take that hood off, Rick. Put a smile on your face. You’re home. Championship, baby! That random bad Week 16 game your rookie season, “who got those 14?” Ricky freaking Jerret. And to think, if you wouldn’t have called Spencer and subsequently shut your phone off, you might have blown this all. Three years, $30 million!
2. Andre (last week: 3)
We didn’t even see his face, but Andre was littered throughout this episode. The highlight was definitely the flowers he left outside of Vernon’s house, with the list of clients he’s going after a close second. Victor Cruz, Spice Adams, LaMarr Woodley, hell, he wanted Ricky Jerret. He’s trying to end Spencer, but at least he picked up the tab on Anderson’s meeting with Spice, and got Spence and Joe some cake. That was nice. Long live Andre.
3. New Orleans Saints (last week: not ranked)
We’re not privy to the terms of the deal, so we’re not sure how much of the money they offered Ricky is guaranteed, but this seems like a huge win for New Orleans. The Saints obviously love Rick, I mean, they rolled out a giant float for the dude, and they stole him from Rex Ryan’s cold, cold hands.
4. Spencer Strasmore (last week: 1)
Look, this wasn’t a great week for Spencer. His biggest client suffered an Achilles injury (damn you and your conniving ways, Reggie), Andre is putting the full court press on his clients, and Joe is kissing Spice Adams’s butt just to keep him as a client. Life’s a headache. But you know what, he finished strong. Spence finished off a Red Stripe, popped some pain pills, ignored Ndamukong Suh’s call, and told Spice he’s being an idiot trying to build the ‘Elidee’ hotel for his mother. Power moves. Then, he hits Reggie with a Rock Bottom for not hiding the key to Vernon’s house (no, not literally) and gives him some heartfelt advice.
Oh, and he also has a great selfie pose. That earned him some points.
5. Reggie (last week: 10)
Oh man, this was as good as Reggie’s been in awhile. First he lies, then he proposes Vernon lie about his paintball incident, and Spencer actually agrees with him. “God damnit no!” he yells, admitting Reggie’s an evil genius. “I f—in’ agree with Reggie.”
“Just a matter of time.” Oh, and also, where’s his check for this week? I believe there was mention of a check. He ate chalupas with Vernon. That’s his job now.
6. Charles Greane (last week: 8)
I’m not sure why Charles was in this episode, but it was pretty chill for him. He played a bunch of Madden to get used to right tackle, got his van detailed as a gift, and had sex. That was literally it.
7. Joe Krutel (last week: 6)
Joe was pretty much getting in the way the whole episode, and got way too drunk. Typical Joe. He did tell Spencer not to ever tell him what to do, which was actually kind of jarring. That earns him a spot in the rankings.
8. Jason (last week: not ranked)
I love how Jason just disappears at the end of the episode as Vernon continues to fall out of favor with the Cowboys. Hey Spence, deal with this crap. I’ve got some “personal business” to tend to.
9. Dallas Cowboys (last week: not ranked)
Dallas is taking a short-term loss by hanging up on Vernon, but it is now firmly in the drivers’ seat. The Cowboys can either void Vernon’s contract, which would probably be for the best considering Reggie will likely ruin his career somehow, or they can bring him back with a tight collar around his neck. They’re not exactly the Saints right now, but they’re at least being smart. Can you remember the last time the Cowboys were smart?
10. Vernon (last week: not ranked)
He told the truth. That counts for something, right?
Just Missed: Cafe Du Monde...LaMarr Woodley’s record label...Spice Adams...Chalupas...Fake Jerry Jones...Madden...Skepta