Who’s going to come out for a halftime show surprise? We’ve got some ideas.

By Jeremy Woo
February 01, 2017

The Super Bowl halftime show usually sucks. Let’s be honest. A massive budget does not an artistic accomplishment equal, and no matter how many times we are inundated with pop grandeur and fireworks and backup dancers and the occasional wayward nipple ring, that fact will never change.

But then again, despite halftime proving a premier time for a bathroom break or an opportunity to grab seconds, we all watch anyway.

It’s Lady Gaga who this year will bear the weight of the nation while performing in uncomfortable-looking costumes and performing hits past and present—such venerable tunes—as America attempts to read Bill Belichick’s poker face, and I’ll stop there.

Inevitably, someone is going to join Lady Gaga on stage who you did not expect to be there and who the most whitebread of party-goers in your immediate vicinity will love so, so much. We’re here to handicap the race.

Behold, the Lady Gaga halftime show potential guest performer index.

Tier I: “We can afford this.”

— The Cast of Hamilton. They’re already singing America the Beautiful and by god do people love these people.

— The Chainsmokers. We never needed the Chainsmokers.

3 Doors Down. Word is they’re playing shows these days.

Tier II: “It’s not Beyoncé, but I’m here for it.”

— The Weeknd. Although “I Can’t Feel My Face” is a little too topical for the NFL, maybe.

— Elton John. Everyone’s down with Sir Elton.

— Solange.

Tier III: “Wait, where have I seen this before?”

— Bruno Mars. You’ve seen him at multiple recent Super Bowls but his new shtick is 150% more tolerable than anything he’s recorded, so it’s passably OK.

— The Black Eyed Peas. Nah, just playing.

— Taylor Swift. You haven’t, because she still hasn’t played at the Super Bowl.

Tier IV: “This would be dope, but it’s never happening.”

—Migos. There’s legitimately a petition for this. It is decidedly not a bipartisan choice. But the Falcons diehard trio have been rap’s saving grace in this young calendar year, and people would lose it very quickly.

— Peter Gabriel. Don’t act like an entire stadium and full choir rendition of “In Your Eyes” wouldn’t move you.

— Bun B, featuring Hologram Pimp C. The game is being played in Houston. This needs no explanation. This would also include a performance of Int’l Playa’s Anthem featuring Hologram Andre 3000, only later for it to be revealed that it’s secretly a physically present Andre 3000. Or so we think.

Tier V: “Ohmygod, it’s literally Beyoncé.”

Beyonce. Houston native Beyoncé. Played-the-Super-Bowl-last-year-but-who-cares Beyoncé. Beyoncé, who has songs with Lady Gaga...

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