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Use this helpful guide to pivot any conversation about politics into one about sports. 

By Dan Gartland
November 21, 2018

A poll conducted this year by CBS News found that 40% of Americans hope to avoid discussing politics at Thanksgiving, while only 15% are actually looking forward it. (The other 45% said they didn’t care.) A similar poll conducted this time last year by PBS and NPR found that 58% “dread the thought of having to talk about politics at Thanksgiving dinner” and that 31% were ready to engage in meal-ruining debate.

In any case, it’s clear that most people don’t want to get into arguments about immigration, healthcare, taxes and whatever other topics they spend the rest of their week stessing over. That’s why we created this handy guide to pivoting any conversation away from politics and toward the one topic no one ever fights about: sports. 


Your grandpa Rick, who spends too much time on Facebook: The Fake News Media is driving me up the wall!

You: I know! Between the college football coaching carousel and MLB hot stove I don’t know what to believe anymore.


Your cousin Jack: One of the main problems I have with the way things work in this country is people being appointed to lifetime positions and how it makes it impossible to hold them accountable for their actions.

You: You’re exactly right. It’s time for Bill Snyder to do the right thing and step aside at Kansas State.


Your neighbor George: All this instability in Washington has me very concerned about the future.

You: While Alex Smith’s injury is a major blow to the Skins, Colt McCoy has proven himself to be a capable backup and could easily lead his team to victory in the NFL’s weakest division.


Your aunt Sarah: They’re saying that people voted three, four and five times! It’s sickening.

You: That’s perfectly legal. Use #NBAVote to vote as many times as you want for your favorite NBA All-Stars.


Your aunt’s second husband Phil: I’m increasingly concerned that this gang of troublemakers coming up from the south will take over the country.

You: Listen, it’s too late for that. The SEC will dominate the Big Ten and the Big 12 until the end of time.


Mikko, an exchange student from Finland: Attacks on the media are dangerous to us all.

You: For sure. Between criticizing a reporter’s posture a dismissively ranting about criticisms of his decision to practice in the snow, Matt Patricia has proven to be no friend of the press. 


Your niece Monica: Everyone was talking about how impressive the “blue wave” would be but in the end it was actually a “red wave” in some of the more consequential races.

You: True, Alabama remains unmatched but you have to admit Michigan is still in prime position to qualify for the playoff.


Your nephew Steve: Sometimes I lay awake at night paralyzed by the thought of how Earth could change if we don’t do something to halt rising temperatures.

You: I’m not too concerned about it. Advances in refrigeration technology allow the NHL to stage outdoor games in a variety of climates.


Your wingnut uncle Derek, whose brain has been poisoned by the internet: I truly believe that we’re on the verge of a civil war.

You: Hell yeah we are! Oregon-Oregon State, this Saturday at 4 p.m. ET. The Beavs can play spoiler on their home field in Corvallis.  


Your idealistic sister-in-law Nancy: I think it’s important we listen to everyone and try to understand what the other side is saying.

You: Forget that! Anyone who says Jacob deGrom didn’t deserve the Cy Young can get out of my face.


Your brother’s girlfriend Claire: I’m increasingly concerned about information security and how breaches can impact crucial outcomes.

You: If you think the Astros are the only ones stealing signs I have a bridge to sell you.


Your brother-in-law Jeremy: I think it’s obvious that all these disasters are the result of climate change.

You: I agree that the Wizards are a disaster, but I think John Wall’s icy relationship with Scott Brooks is more to blame than the environment.

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HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
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HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)