Full Transcript of Robert Sarver's Sexually Explicit Memorial ‘Roast’
Warning: This story contains explicit language.
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In April, Suns owner Robert Sarver delivered remarks at a memorial "roast" for the late Dick Heckmann, a minority owner of the team. This is the full text of Sarver's comments:
Well, a lot of stories about Dick’s ownership of the team I invested in with him. First of all, he’s probably not happy right now. We're down 19 at the end of the third quarter. He’s sitting up there somewhere. I figured this season, he had something to do with this season. We just had too many things go our way. I mean, every time we’re playing someone, the other team’s injured and this happening and we're setting records in three-point shots. And, he’s up there somewhere with his orange hat, watching the games and probably motherfucking with Kobe Bryant up there somewhere.
Yeah, I got to know Dick at an interesting time, right when he became single. And it's kind of uncomfortable, some of these stories. I mean, it’s not that uncomfortable, but it’s a little uncomfortable. So Dick got off to a good start with me. We’d just bought the team in June of 2004. My biggest concerns were ticket sales, sponsorship revenue, trying to sign some players, get a winning record—what I really know is my biggest concern was the Heckmann boys were fucking their way through the cheerleading team. And Dick was chasing everything that moved in Scottsdale.
And speaking of—someone said he left his DNA. He did leave his DNA in Steve Nash's socks somewhere in the locker room. That was about the third week after we bought the team.
But everybody knew Dick owned the team. My wife will tell you, you know we were, I think it was in San Antonio during the playoffs one year, and she was calling to try to get a blow-dry at the salon in the hotel. And they said, “Well, they called, they got an appointment but we gotta cancel. We got the owner of the Suns’ wife coming in.” And she had her appointment canceled.
That was right about when he bought the boat. The boat was a bordello. I mean, let’s just be honest about it. The boys used to park that thing off the beach there in Cabo. There was … what was that? The Office? They parked that thing off The Office in Cabo, and they’d come in and bring them back. And, ’course, Dick took great pleasure in knowing that he could get the girls before you guys could. I mean, he really took pleasure in that—that he could outmaneuver you guys.
But I remember one time, we had a little boat in San Diego, and I’m driving with the family and the kids. My kids were like maybe 8, 10 and 12, and we’re driving in the harbor. And we pass Dick’s boat. I stopped to go, “Hey, I’d never been on the boat.” [And Heckmann says,] “Well, come on.” So bring the kids onboard. That was not a good idea. I start walking around, looks a little wild. There’s a lot of people on there, a lot of drinking. I think, Ehh [and Heckmann says,] “Take a look around!” So I bring the kids in. First room I open, there's two-on-one going on. I said, “I think it’s probably a good idea we get the kids off the boat.” So we got off the boat. Never went on the boat after that.
But Dick—people say about embellishing the truth a little bit, he took great pride in his sexual prowess. And unfortunately Wendy had to go like this [nods head] every time Dick said how many times and what he did. Wendy had to acknowledge. I know she was lying. And I kindly figured out like … you guys have heard the term, like, “shopping math,” you know what I mean? That’s kind of like when my wife comes home and says, “I made 500 bucks today.”
I go, “Really? How did you make 500 bucks?” “Well, I sold this blouse on, you know, my sister’s attic or some resale deal.” And I go, “Well, what did you pay for the blouse?” And she goes, “Five grand.” I go, “Well, what do you do with the 500 bucks?” And she says, “Well, I’ll add another 4,500 to it. And I'll buy another blouse.”
And so that was Dick. Dick had sex math. Dick would say he had sex 10 times in a day. Unmedicated. Unmedicated. [Makes air quotes.] And I'm like: Wow. And this kind of went on. We go on this trip to Italy with the Suns, on, you know Dick’s plane—it’s Dick’s team and all that. And he bought like 40 bikinis for Wendy in Italy. He bought like 40 bikinis. And he kept talking about, like, how active he was. And I'm like, God how do you do all this? I’m like, I can't do this. I mean, What?
And I finally figured out, it was Dick’s sex math. So when he said 10 times, what he meant is like in and out five times. [Sarver thrusts.] That was 10 times for Dick.
But he—oh, man, yeah we had our hands full with Dick. But then he kind of settled down a little bit. But boy, he did not like losing, and he’s throwing a fit right now. I mean he did not like losing. Many stories about broken TVs, broken controllers for TVs and all that.
But, you know, really on a serious note, for me, he was a tremendous partner. He was loyal. He was helpful. He was there anytime you needed him. And I couldn't have asked for a better partner than Dick. Really, just so much respect for him.
[Sarver looks to his right and sees someone, apparently on their phone.]
These guys are working on a big deal over here, fucking U.S. Filter idiots on the phone. This guy’s got a make-believe deal going on over here at fucking three in the morning. You merging on a SPAC, or you lining up a hooker over there? What are you doing? It’s a goddamn memorial service. Fucking idiot, Jesus Christ. I'm gonna guess his receptionist has small tits. But—he has no idea; he’s just drinking his wine.
I will say the thing that Dick was most proud of and wanted to talk most about was his kids. It started out where they were in college, and the boxing team and the football team, and all these kinds of things. And you know obviously the girls, the tennis, the horseback riding. He always wanted to talk about the kids. And every time for the last five or six years I got him on the phone, he wanted to talk about the kids’ business.
Well, we get a laser for this and we run it out over this period and we bring out this kind of return and this IRR and this. So we're opening up this store and our tent store and they’re doing so good. I’m so proud of them. This company is going to invest and this is gonna this.
I mean, that's all he really wanted to talk about. So I said, “I even went. Got treated.” I said, “I went, too. I said my experience wasn't so good.” I said, “I went to the Camelback place to get some hair laser, and all the gal kept saying is, ‘All I see when I look at you is this deep line right here. You need to get some Botox.” [Points to forehead.]
But Dick, he was so proud of his kids. And then of course it was the grandkids. And he just took great joy in his family. I mean, it was really his everything. And look at how good you guys all turned out. I never would have believed it, to be honest with you. I mean, you’re married. You got kids. You got a family. You got a business. You're making money. It’s a fucking miracle, really. Compared to where you guys started 17 years ago, it’s unbelievable. Yeah, I mean we’re lucky we still own the franchise. In today’s environment, we’d have lost it a long time ago.
And also I want to congratulate the preacher. Because, you know, when Larry and I went to see Dick when he was kind of near the end, boy, he had really come to grips with his mortality, and really was able to get through that process, I thought incredibly well, given how difficult it was. Because he still had his brain. But he didn’t have everything else, and that’s hard for a man like Dick. Especially the guy who was always the life of the party, the guy who was the honey that everyone wanted to be around—the guy that can make anything happen and could do anything couldn’t move his body. So I appreciate what you did to help him get through that, and obviously Wendy and everything. And we’re all going to miss him. I mean, Dick was bigger than life and meant so much to all of us and meant a lot to me. So I’m really going to miss him, thank you.
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