Ridiculous Craigslist ad accuses Vancouver Canucks of spying, poisoning water

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If you've spent the past few decades trying to convince your skeptical colleagues that there's a giant conspiracy involving the Vancouver Canucks, today is either a) the day you're "crazy" -- Look who's crazy now, sheeple! -- views are validated, or b) the day you realize you're just a character stuck in the worst X-Files episode ever.

The following are excerpts from a bizarre rant that appeared on Craigslist late last week. It's worth reading in full, but here are some of the highlights:

In the late eighties or early nineties, members of the Vancouver Canucks have masqueraded themselves as federal officials and have appealed to both the Canada Post of British Columbia, and to a number of municipal banks, and have advised them that they have been a part of a federal mail censorship program.

Federal mail censorship? Pshaw! That seems quaint compared to NSA-levels of private surveillance:

Several years ago, it was decided among current, modern members of the team, that they would erect a platform that was organizing spy-based content in real time from inside of private residences across the province, including unknown private audio and video surveillance. This content was then made privately available on a subscription-based service for persons to privately watch, like a cable platform.

Oh, and the team is also responsible for poisoning families:

For example, witnessing a 5 year old boy in a single instance, say that he could hear the voice of God, and from that moment onward, ensuring that that boy's family was being poisoned by Risperidone in their water supply in each and every house that they had ever moved into late into his adult life. For the Vancouver Canucks, hockey is a blood sport in the most literal of meanings that this phrase could possibly carry.

The truth is out there.

[SB Nation]