Ballers Power Rankings: Episode 5, ‘Most Guys’
Welcome to Extra Mustard’s weekly Ballers power rankings (click here for last week’s rankings). This week, in Season 2, Episode 5, Spencer’s still hooked on painkillers, Charles gets a job with the Dolphins and Joe and Reggie get high and chase around an alpaca.
1. Andre (last week: 1)
There’s not a ton of movement this week. Andre is still in control of the show, especially now that the NFLPA is looking into that mysterious real estate incident he and Spencer got into in 2008. Travis Mack is a cool get for Spencer, but Dos Equis guy isn’t gonna sweat. He probably sipped Mai-tais with Ndamukong Suh and told some stories about his nannies.
2. Charles Greane (last week: 10)
After weeks of literally doing nothing but playing Madden, having sex, and getting cut, Charles is finally on the board. He storms into the Dolphins’ facility, and starts ethering their entire offensive line. Kouvax can’t do anything! What the hell did you see in Franklin? Coach Burke is caught up in the romance of '72!
What does he get for it? A job (offer)! We can’t say for sure whether or not he’s actually taking this, considering this show made us believe Ricky Jerret was signing with the Saints until he decided to take his sweet ass time, but it’s damn good to be Charles right now. That retirement lasted, like, five minutes.
Oh yeah, and he blasted Future in that punk kid’s face. What a legend.
Jason Justin (last week: 3)
Jason is sticking at No. 3 by default here, without anyone moving up to knock him off. Plus, Travis actually called him the right name!
4. Ricky Jerret (last week: 5)
Will he, or won’t he, get back with Bella? The door seems to be opening a bit here, which could be great news, since she’s actually got some pretty solid career advice.
That accents a great week for Ricky. He’s got a huge contract offer from the Bills on the table, we learn he has money stashed away, and he hangs out with TTD at a fashion show. He better learn how close Buffalo is to New York City, though, or else he’ll wind up like Marshawn Lynch.
“I ain’t know nothin’ about no snow.”
5. Reggie (last week: 9)
Man, Reggie is turning face right before our eyes. He tries to do something nice for Vernon by getting him a pet alpaca, then sees that Nate beat him to it with a puppy, and you feel so bad for Reggie. You’d pump your fist if that happened to Season 1 Reggie.
There’s a pretty important scene in the middle of the episode, when Reggie is taking an “L walk,” as the kids say, with his new best friend Joe. He thinks that perhaps Vernon doesn’t need him, and Joe reminds him of the fact that he kept him in the classroom instead of on the corner. Wow, Reggie is an actual good guy? He didn’t luck his way into getting put on payroll to do nothing? I might have a new favorite character.
“You on Twitter? It’s a great way to get laid.”
6. Vernon (last week: 2)
Things are still great for Vernon in the grand scheme of things—he’s still got his job with the Cowboys—but he’s down in the dumps because he’s getting killed on Twitter. New puppy, though.
7. Joe Krutel (last week: 8)
Solid start, telling Spencer to go f— himself, and a solid finish, pacing back in forth like a nervous friend in seventh grade when his buddy asked a girl out as Spencer met with the NFLPA. He also keeps Reggie with it, as we just discussed, which is cool of him. Should he be advising Reggie to use Vernon’s money to buy an alpaca? Probably not. But facts don’t matter. Joe’s the dude.
8. Spencer Strasmore (last week: 6)
The tumble continues for ol’ Spence. He needs a new hip, he’s apparently still hooked on painkillers even though he didn’t have a single pill in Episode 4, and that bad real estate deal is coming to bite him in the ass.
He starts drinking to mask the pain in his hip, but needs more, leading him to go undercover to get some pills as “Mr. Chavez.” Yeah, things are looking bad. But hey, he did out-bench Travis and pull him as a client. There’s still hope.
Also, is Tracy gone now, or is she still around? That could potentially send Spencer into a tailspin.
9. Nate (last week: not ranked)
Had to toss Nate in here for delivering the line of the night, when Vernon asks him if Joe and Reggie were high.
“That’s very possible.”
10. Bella (last week: not ranked)
She knocked Ricky back on his heels. That’s enough to crack the rankings.
Just Missed: Socks the cat (second straight week)...Bella’s fantasy team...Skinny jeans...Ricky’s animal guy...Joe’s sex tape...A$AP Ferg...Rihanna the Alpaca