Baseball should have more of this.

By Dan Gartland
May 09, 2018


Give Kris Bryant credit. He saved the day in two ways last night against the Marlins. Not only did he score the winning run on a fielder’s choice, but he also helped defuse a benches-clearing incident by tickling Starlin Castro.


This whole thing started because Derek Dietrich gave Victor Caratini a half-hearted shove after getting tagged out at the plate. Only in baseball would the slightest bit of physical contact cause 50 guys to pour onto the field.

For my money, this is the ultimate baseball fight. With rare exceptions, baseball “brawls” are always such fake fights—just a bunch of guys loitering, not even trying to look tough. Bryant and Castro dispose with the pretense that this is a serious confrontation and just start joking around. Baseball should have more of that. I want to see thumb wars and rock-paper-scissors during more of these incidents.

Chris Paul had a LeBron-level game

This is why the Rockets are so dangerous and have to be considered serious contenders to knock out the Warriors and advance to the Finals. Everyone talks about James Harden, but don’t sleep on Chris Paul. CP3 may be 33 years old, but he’s just as dangerous as ever. Against the strong defense of the Jazz last night, he dropped 41 points due to some hot three-point shooting, adding 10 assists and seven rebounds.

The conference finals are very nearly set, by the way, since both the Rockets and Warriors won last night. They’ll face off in the West, while the Celtics have a chance to knock out the Sixers tonight.

At least it wasn’t 30

If you see Orioles starter Dylan Bundy this weekend, buy him a beer. Bundy had a historically bad start last night, surrendering seven runs on five hits (including four homers) without recording an out. All told, the Royals—who, it should be noted, stink almost as much as the Orioles—scored 10 runs in the first.

That’s a pretty miserable night, but it’s still not as bad as the appearance Royals reliever Vin Mazzaro had in 2011. He gave up 14 runs in 2 1/3 innings in a 19–1 loss.

It’s also not even the worst night the Orioles have ever had. I think most baseball fans will remember the time Baltimore lost to the Rangers 30–3. The score itself is memorable enough, but what I’ll never forget about that night is Tim Kurkjian’s reaction.

Bits & Pieces

An English soccer coach donated over $100 to a fan so the guy could get the coach’s face tattooed on his ass ... This story about a family faking their kid’s cancer so they could get Syracuse football perks is extremely messed up ... A Chinese soccer club fined its equipment staff for this absurdly bootleg jersey alteration ... I’ll be honest, I forgot Big Baller Brand shoes were a thing until Adam Jones said he just got his in the mail a year after ordering them ... An airline passenger in Thailand was forced to pay a fee because their name was too long ... I guess I might have to start watching the new Glenn Howerton sitcom A.P. Bio now that it’s been renewed for a second season.

Your worst work mistakes

Thanks to everyone who submitted their hilarious professional bloopers to me yesterday. I thought getting dozens of emails with the subject “I’m an idiot” would be the most entertaining part but I actually had a lot of fun sorting through them.

It was close, but my favorite one was this one from Troy.

I was a head clerk (lower level store management) in a grocery store and had to count out all the cash drawers and fill out a balance sheet every night. My helper most nights was this gorgeous blonde that I had been hitting on for months. Although there had been rumors for years that there was a camera in the safe room, I knew they were lies just to make us behave. One night the girl finally gave in to my efforts at romance and we made out in the safe room. When I got to work the next morning, the store manager called me into his office and showed me a tape of the safe room “activity” from the previous night. I squirmed during the whole viewing and asked if I was fired. Luckily, the manager liked me and said "no, I'm just going to write you up." I signed the write up and turned toward the door. The manager came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "between you and me...nice job."

I think he mostly just wrote in to brag about kissing a woman but it was at least an interesting story.

Congratulations to James Paxton

Mariners ace James Paxton threw a no-hitter last night, which, as our Jon Tayler noted, isn’t all that surprising. Paxton has been dealing of late, recording 16 strikeouts in his last start before the no-no.

It was extra special for Paxton to make history against the Blue Jays in his home country, even though his hometown is 2,580 miles closer to Seattle than it is to Toronto.

Yeah, sure, whatever

I laughed.

I’m more of a PBR guy, but sure

Lesson learned: Don’t threaten Garfield

So that’s why you’re sneezing

What a moment

Bill Hader should be old and tired by now but somehow he’s not

A good song

Email with any feedback or ping me on Twitter. Click here for previous editions of Hot Clicks. Visit our Extra Mustard page throughout each day for more offbeat sports stories.

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