Leave it to a guy named Booger to start talking about bodily functions.

By Dan Gartland
October 23, 2018

Just pee on the bench like a real man

Leave it to a guy named Booger to spend part of the Monday Night Football broadcast talking about bodily functions. 

Fans must have been a little concerned when ESPN’s cameras showed Odell Beckham jogging back to the locker room during the fouth quarter but Joe Tessitore quickly relayed information from Lisa Salters that OBJ was just using the bathroom. (I guess he’s finally drinking enough water.) This prompted McFarland, a former NFL defensive tackle, to joke about “diva wide receivers” who insist on peeing in toilets. 

“As a defensive lineman, you didn't go to the bathroom,” Booger explained. “You sat on the bench, did your business and you got up.”

There’s a lot of room for interpretation in that statement. Nowhere does does Booger say there’s a cup involved, so are we to assume that he’s just leaving out the picayune details to keep the story moving? He can’t possibly be talking about sitting on the bench and peeing in his pants, right? Actually, it turns out NFL players do just that. 

ESPN published a story last year about what athletes do when they have to use the bathroom. The article opens with an anecdote about former Panthers offensive lineman Jordan Gross. 

“Over the years, Gross had tried every technique NFL players and other hyper-hydrated athletes use to surreptitiously relieve themselves during games,” ESPN’s David Fleming wrote. “He'd experimented with the time-honored slow release into his pants, but they were white, for starters, and it just left Gross feeling soggy and slow. He kind of enjoyed the "T-Pee curtain" method, going inside a hut of towels or parkas. But worrying that his teammates would prank him by walking away midflow occasionally gave Gross stage fright—aka paruresis, or what urologists refer to as "ballpark bladder." His tight pants, no-fly spandex and all the tape on his gloved hands and mangled fingers made it cumbersome to kneel behind the bench and pee into a cup (a method that was so popular among his teammates that rookies often had a hard time differentiating which cups contained actual Gatorade).”

I don’t know, I think I’d rather be the “diva wide receiver.” But now I want to know how Booger deals with being up in that crane all game long. 

The World Series starts tonight!

Red Sox. Dodgers. Tonight, 8 p.m. ET. 

The SI staff made its picks here and intrepid intern Will Ragatz gave his list of unlikely MVP candidates here. It pains me to say it, but I’m picking the Red Sox in five.

This is the stuff that kills Giants fans

Eli Manning started last night’s games with a couple of really nice throws. But it didn’t last. The worse play was a fourth-and-goal where Pat Shurmur called a really well-designed play to get Odell Beckham, one of the most explosive athletes in the NFL, running away from the defense. Eli didn’t throw it to him, though. Shurmur’s reaction say it all. 

Bits & Pieces

LeBron missed back-to-back free throws and a potential game-winner as the Lakers lost in overtime to the Spurs. ... I thought this was a really interesting profile of the guy who created the most popular Instagram account in sports. ... I’m very mad I had to learn that the Italian island of Sardinia has an illegal cheese infested with live maggots. ... Here’s the only plus side of global warming: It spawned this perfectly rectangular iceberg. ... A Norwegian man who was key to stopping the Nazis’ attempt to create an atomic bomb has died at age 99. 

Booger’s crane is not a fan favorite

The Blazers got in the Halloween spirit early

Damian Lillard’s was great because he really nailed the Stone Cold walk but everyone really brought their A game. 

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Email dan.gartland@simail.com with any feedback or follow me on Twitter for approximately one half-decent baseball joke per week. Bookmark this page to see previous editions of Hot Clicks and find the newest edition every day. By popular request I’ve made a Spotify playlist of the music featured here. Visit our Extra Mustard page throughout each day for more offbeat sports stories.

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