The Lowlights of 2022
AND AFTER ALL, THEY GO UNDER WALL
Clippers guard John Wall released his own line of underwear.
IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HEAD WHEN ALL ABOUT YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS
Ravens mascot Poe suffered a season-ending knee injury while playing in a youth football exhibition at halftime of the Ravens-Commanders game, yet managed to hold his head on as he was carted off the field in agony.
TROT NIXIN’
A junior college pitcher in Texas was dismissed from the team after tackling a home run hitter as he rounded third base.
Illustration by Renaud Vigourt
BREAKING:WIND
A report on French soccer’s top division began: “Brazilian defender Marcelo was dropped from the Lyon first team due to continuous farting and laughing in the dressing room, sources have told ESPN.”
I JUST DID
When asked about the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi—which U.S. intelligence said was approved by the Saudi crown prince—Greg Norman, CEO of the Saudi-backed LIV Golf tour, said: “Look, we’ve all made mistakes.”
WHO WAS RUNNER-UP?
An umpire at a children’s softball game in Laurel, Miss., was punched in the face by a woman who wore a T-shirt emblazoned MOTHER OF THEYEAR.
BUYER’S REMORSE
Less than 24 hours after a man paid $518,628 at auction for the “final touchdown ball” thrown by retired Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady, Brady unretired. “I couldn’t believe it,” the bidder, a Miami real estate developer, told Inside Edition. “Is this possible? How could this be happening?” (The transaction was later voided.)
EXHIBITION STADIUM
A couple was captured on video apparently having sex during a Blue Jays–Cubs game at the top of the 500 level of Rogers Centre in Toronto.
ELSEWHERE IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
A couple was captured on video apparently having sex in the top row of Section 334 of RingCentral Coliseum during an A’s-Mariners game in Oakland.
Illustration by Renaud Vigourt
FELONIOUS MONKFISH
Two fishermen were indicted in Cleveland on three felony charges for allegedly inserting weights into their prize catches in an effort to win $30,000 in a tournament.
WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE
Jon Rahm, the No. 1–ranked golfer in the world, left a 10-inch putt seven inches short on the seventh hole at Bay Hill during the Arnold Palmer Invitational in March. Asked how, Rahm replied, “I really couldn’t tell you.”
TASTES LIKE MEAT
The COO of Beyond Meat was charged with felony battery after being accused of biting a man’s nose outside an Arkansas football game in September.
FREE-RANGE FOUL
An animal rights activist who ran onto the field during a Rams-49ers game filed a police report accusing L.A. linebacker Bobby Wagner of “blatant assault” for knocking him to the ground.
I’LL CALL YOU FROM HOME
As Pirates infielder Rodolfo Castro slid headfirst into third base in a game in August, his phone popped out of his back pocket.
TWO-POINT SUBMERSION
After Tennessee beat Alabama for the first time in 16 years, Volunteers fans stormed the field, toppled a goalpost and dragged it out of Neyland Stadium before throwing it into the Tennessee River.
DON’T TRY THIS AT TENNESSEE
A demonstrator zip-tied himself to a goalpost during the Everton-Newcastle game in March and had to be removed with bolt cutters.
WANNA GET AWAY?
After admiring his deep drive to left field, third baseman Delvin Perez of the Triple A Memphis Redbirds flipped his bat and took a triumphant home run trot, pointing to the sky after rounding second before learning—10 yards from home plate—that the ball had been caught on the warning track.
Illustration by Renaud Vigourt
ERRANT DRIVE
A 58-year-old woman with an open bottle of Jack Daniels was arrested for driving a golf cart in the center lane of Interstate 95 in Brevard County, Fla.
(SLOWLY) POUR ONE OUT
After the Steelers sold new naming rights to their stadium, formerly known as Heinz Field, workers removed two 35-foot tall ketchup bottles from the facade, a solemn ceremony opposed by nearly 10,000 signatories to a petition protesting the name change to Acrisure Stadium.
QUID PRO BRO
Asked by the chair umpire to identify the allegedly disruptive spectator he wanted removed from his Wimbledon final against Novak Djokovic, Nick Kyrgios replied: “The one who looks like she’s had about 700 drinks, bro.”
I SAW YOU ON COURT, NOW I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
The woman who was asked to leave is a lawyer and opened legal proceedings against Kyrgios for defamation. (The case was settled in November after Kyrgios, who lost the final, apologized and made a donation to a charity of the woman’s choice.)
HOME IS WHERE YOU HANG YOUR HARD HAT
The Indian Pond Country Club in Kingston, Mass., appealed a jury verdict that awarded $4.93 million to a family whose yard and house, overlooking the club’s 15th green, had been pelted by 651 golf balls since 2017.
A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE
The Red Wings’ longtime Zamboni driver, famous for waving octopuses in the air to fire up the crowd, filed a wrongful termination suit against the team, which fired him, the suit said, for urinating in an ice runoff drain while on the job.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
When a reporter asked Fernando Tatis Jr. about his offseason motorcycle accident—Tatis reported to spring training with a fractured left wrist—the Padres’ shortstop replied: “Which one?”
FROST ADVISORY
Cross-country skier Remi Lindholm of Finland suffered what he described as “a little bit frozen” penis during the 50-kilometer freestyle race at the Beijing Olympics, though Stephen Colbert said the “official medical diagnosis” was “chilly willy.”
FOOL ME TWICE
Lindholm said it was the second time it had happened to him and told Finnish media, per The Guardian: “When the body parts started to warm after the finish, the pain was unbearable.”
Illustration by Renaud Vigourt
PHAMILY FEUD
Reds outfielder Tommy Pham slapped Giants outfielder Joc Pederson before a game in Cincinnati over a rules dispute in their fantasy football league.
VENDOR BENDER
A traffic accident in Florida scattered hundreds of cans of Coors Light across I-75, months after a wreck in Pennsylvania spilled a truckload of hot dog filler onto I-70.
DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’
A woman using an inversion table at a 24-hour gym in Berea, Ohio, became stuck upside down at 3 a.m. and had to call 911 from her smartwatch—declaring, in a TikTok video she posted of the incident: “Oh, dear lord, my ankles are burning.”
CHECKMATE
During a match in Moscow, a chess-playing robot abruptly grabbed and broke the finger of his opponent, a 7-year-old boy.
WAIT TILl HE PLAYS THE RUSSIAN ROBOT
Chess was engulfed in scandal after Chess.com accused grandmaster Hans Niemann of likely cheating in more than 100 online games. (Niemann sued the site and another accuser for $100 million.)
