Browns defensive end Carl Nassib stormed onto our radar earlier this offseason with a seemingly cogent, but overly profane tutorial on long-term investment strategies.
Each week, however, more of the curtain has been peeled back on the third-year pass rusher via Hard Knocks. Those who may have latched on to Nassib’s financial advice on Episode 1 may have left Episode 4 very concerned that they’re in the grip of a madman.
“Bro aliens are real,” Nassib said to a pair of teammates in Tuesday’s episode. “I don’t know that they’re real, but I think that they’re real.” He then drops his voice to something slightly above a whisper: “So this is what’s f----- up. The Canadian Prime Minister of Defense, who is equivalent to our secretary of defense, it’s just a different name, came out publicly and said that the United States is in contact with three different alien species. This f---er is one of the top admin officials. And he’s on record saying this s---.”
Best we can tell, Nassib is referring to Paul Hellyer, who left office in the late 1960s. Hellyer says aliens have visited our planet millions of times, but won’t give us their advanced secrets because we don’t take care of one another. Hellyer also believes that the world banking system exists on a series of collapsible fault lines, propped up by the same shadowy forces who conceal the “existence of exotic energy sources” which could safely replace all fossil fuels immediately. Hopefully this does not clash with Nassib's plan to continue banking 10 percent interest on his savings account.
Related side note: Cleveland plays in Denver this December and Carl and I will be watching YouTube together. We will emerge with all the secrets.
What else did we learn this week?
Mychal Kendricks said of Zach Ertz: “You f----- hit his ass over and over, he doesn’t want any smoke.” This was toward the end of an intelligence debriefing on his former team, the Eagles, he was forced to give in front of a brooding Gregg Williams. Watch the deadness in Kendricks’s eyes as he returns to his seat a traitor, with all the squirminess of Matt Damon in The Departed.
Todd Haley delivers quite possibly the best moment in Hard Knocks history. After Zane Gonzalez makes a field goal, Haley leans over to him as he walks toward the sideline and says “Nice job, you f------ kicker.” The 2018 Browns, baby.
Devon Cajuste line of the week: “The moon is out, I can pull energy from that. That's dope.”
Tyrod Taylor calls himself TIE-ROD in a production meeting with Fox, which opens the door for Troy Aikman to continue calling him TIE-ROD. When is he going to insist that people simply call him by the correct pronunciation of his name?
Speaking of Taylor, he was mic’d in the blue medical tent screaming in pain after he dislocated his pinkie finger. Hue Jackson put him back in as soon as possible. A quarter later, Baker Mayfield is hit in the thigh, Jackson is filmed saying “Oh my God” and immediately takes Mayfield out. Poor Tyrod, man.
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1. An updated list of grades from Pro Football Focus on all 32 first-round picks.
2. We could be very close to an Aaron Donald deal, leaving Khalil Mack as the lone star defender holding out.
4. A new list of candidates for the No. 1 pick in the 2019 draft.
5.Paxton Lynch wants to keep playing for the Denver Broncos. For a while, that may have been unclear.
6. Dez Bryant is coming back, but maybe just not as soon as we expected.
7. Doug Baldwin is being realistic about a knee ailment that will probably plague him all season.
The Raiders are helping out the Oakland Unified School District after budget woes have forced them to shut down sports programs.
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