Animatronic Dan Campbell Has Arrived at NFL Draft, Can't Be Unseen

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The NFL draft begins on Thursday night in Detroit and the suddenly relevant football town is super excited for its closeup. A few years ago only the most deluded Lions fan would even begin to consider that the annual parade of envelope-opening and name-calling would come on the heels of their lowly franchise seriously flirting with playing in the Super Bowl. Detroit, in the rarest of rarities, won't be selecting until the 29th pick and it's very likely they trade down from there anyway but there's still plenty of excitement in the air.

And what could be more exciting than an animatronic Dan Campbell saying Dan Campbell things to passersby? Local reporter Brad Galli shared the very unsettling scenes at the NFL Draft Experience Fan Festival, presumably so everyone could remember happier times once this dastardly creation takes life and wrecks the type of havoc only Robocop could combat.

The Lions scientists were clearly so preoccupied with whether or not they could, that they didn't stop to think if they should. That's the type of haphazard "progress" that leaves football fans trapped in some sort of bizarro Big homage — except instead of Zoltar predicting the future they get a fake Campbell insisting they come within grabbing distance so he can offer a maximum from the earnest section of the meathead department.

Now, having said all that, we must admit that there should be an intense bidding war to secure this contraption after its service at the draft is done. Imagine having that thing in the corner of your basement. Who would ever leave? Hours and hours of entertainment and stoic contemplation about how society ever got to this point.


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Kyle K

KYLE KOSTER