By Brett Smiley
January 19, 2014

142 for Fighting

Hockey Night in Canada's tilt between Vancouver and Calgary began on a pugilistic note as players wasted no time—or two seconds, for the literalists—before tossing the gloves for a full-line brawl that resulted in 142 penalty minutes, eight ejections, this laughable box score, and a penalty box that looked like a clown car. In actuality, the fight began before the puck even dropped: Flames coach Bob Hartley submitted a starting lineup with his fourth line, prompting Canucks coach John Tortorella to respond in kind. Watch the madness:

Things got uglier for Torts, who had to be restrained outside the Calgary locker room (picture in the gallery above)—a transgression that will surely draw him a suspension and/or fine. One more comical footnote: Most of the family of Vancouver's 6'6" rookie winger Kellen Lain made arrangements to attend  his NHL debut, which lasted, yeah, two seconds. Tortorella said later that he regretted putting Lain out there for the jamboree.


Drake pulled double duty on SNL last night as musical guest and host and did a stellar job, particularly with a cold open takedown of Alex Rodriguez. Things got meta, too, as Drake played Lil Wayne playing Urkel (at 1:25). Also check out Drake as "marijuana advocateKatt Williams.

Snip It for Ticket  

There's a doctor in Denver offering a free vasectomy in exchange for a ticket to the Broncos-Patriots AFC Championship game. (H/T Adam Schefter)

Cheerleader of the Week

This week we head to Kansas State to meet cheerleader and junior public relations major Kelsey.

Friends would be surprised to know that: "I have a small 'bag of luck' filled with items that I’ve collected and found to be lucky over the years. I’ve taken that bag with me to every exam, cheer tryout, and interview for as long as I can remember."

Most played artists on my iPod: "The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Mumford and Sons, and Kings of Leon. However, K-State's 'Wabash Cannonball' is the number one most-played song."

Worst habit: "Everything that I handwrite is in all caps."

Favorite phone app: "Instagram, because I love taking inspiring photos and sharing them with people. Also, everyone loves a ridiculous #hashtag, right?"

For more of Kelsey, check out the full gallery.

The New York Jets, Grounded

Wow, what a weekend for Gang Green! By now you've probably heard about (1) Geno Smith's "incident" at LAX that resulted in his removal from a Virgin American flight and (2) Kellen Winslow Jr's Target-parking-lot-synthetic-marijuana-Boston-Market-spankfest. Now, here's the Taiwanese animation video, and 25 Twitter reactions to the Winslow news.

Piano Man, Baby!

Dick Vitale attended a Billy Joel concert in Tampa on Friday Night, and in true Vitale fashion he provided color commentary throughout, filing each report with the hashtag #PIANOMAN. It's simply impossible not to read Vitale's Tweets in his voice.

Here's Bengals Punter Zoltan Mesko Meditating In a Stars-and-Stripes Speedo With a Small Dog In Each Hand

Just what it says.

Ill-Advised Teaser

This week marked the first time since September that we had to go a full six days without an NFL game. I think I blacked out for a portion of it, and the next two weeks will be worse. But before I spin into an NFL-less black hole, let's talk teaser. I'm bringing a 6-5 record into Championship Sunday, which Chris Burke and Doug Farrar preview here. The lines have settled on the Patriots getting about 5 or 5.5 and the 49ers, 3.5. The public seems to like both road dogs, which is kind of terrifying, because I agree. Nevertheless, the better bet in the AFC game is to tease the under (it's at 56.5), coupled with San Fran on the NFC side. The Patriots can't compete with Denver's passing game but they can work long drives with their running attack and shorter routes. Obviously they'll want to keep Manning off the field. As for the Niners, I think it's a field goal game that they can win outright. Let's strive for 7-5 with Denver/New England u62.5 and SF +9.5. 

Odds & Ends

Get your weekly recommended intake of Extra Mustard's finest ... Welcome to Joel Embiid's Block Party ... Paul George submitted a dunk-of-year entry with his 360 windmill jam ... LeBron pulled back-to-back reverse dunks against Charlotte (H/T r/nba) ... Michigan iced No. 3 Wisconsin on Nik Stauskas's step-back trey ...  Just the Macho Man making his presence felt from the great beyond ... One of the most ridiculous (hockey) goals you'll ever see ... One of the worst free throw attempts you'll ever see … Signs you're obsessed with the NBA ... Chris Bosh accidentally knocked down a referee with an errant elbow ... Nick Faldo tries to discard a cupcake, fails ... Impressive missed-dunk put-back slam for VCU's Terrance Shannon ...  Sixers accidentally defend the Sixers in transition ... Cate Blanchett got a little frisky with a statue at the SAG Awards.

Fallon's Conference Championship Superlatives

Most likely sketch to crack me up every week. [H/T SportsGrid]

The Metrodome Deflates One Last Time

Womp Womp. A monumental detonation would have been much more exciting than the stadium version of euthanasia.

The Greatest Jenga Play Ever

All bow to the Jenga Wizard!!!

By the way, follow me on Twitter and send tips to basmiley [at] gmail [dot] com. If you want even more, check out out ’70s glam rocker Brett Smiley and politician Brett Smiley, who’s currently running for mayor of Providence, Rhode Island.

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