Extra Mustard's NFL Playoff Power Rankings
The NFL Playoffs are here and you are likely hearing a lot about which teams are hot and whose secondary matches up well against opposing receiving corps.
Here at Extra Mustard we have no time for that kind of in-depth qualitative analysis, so we are giving you a definitive power ranking of the playoff teams based on which stories about them we thought were the most interesting.
Washington got into a lot of interesting stuff this season from belly dancing to a trademark lawsuit that led to a hilariously profane legal filing. However, the team seems dead set on making Kirk Cousins’ “You Like That” into its rallying cry, so we will judge them on that: It is kind of boring.
How does J.J. Watt do so much stuff? It seems like every week he has announced a pregnancy, or met Jennifer Aniston or visited a cooking class, or dressed up like Batman, or flirted with Kelly Kapowski, or been part of an inside joke with Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. It has all gotten to be a little much.
Aaron Rodgers is the NFC’s answer to J.J. Watt. This guy and his girlfriend, Olivia Munn, seem to be everywhere. However we have to admit his run of jokes on Twitter this off-season were pretty entertaining, giving him a slight edge over his fellow overexposed superstar.
Honestly, the Bengals were fairly dull on the Mustard front this year, but Mohamed Sanu provided a bright spot with his off-season cross-training, hitting a 60-yard field goal and a three-pointer from an equally epic distance.
Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison loves working out almost as much as he hates participation trophies. This off-season he showed how he stay fit by introducing the world to medicine ball volleyball, a sport only someone who bench presses 500 pounds could love.
The Cardinals quarterbacks have a weekly accuracy contest in practice, with the loser usually being forced to do something embarrassing before the team’s next game. This is how we were blessed with Carson Palmer running around in a hula girl outfit, and Matt Barkley doing a lap in a helmet, shoulder pads and nothing else.
Chiefs fans were very upset when they found out they were surrendering a game at Arrowhead Stadium to play in London’s Wembley Stadium. To make it up to fans who headed over to the scepter'd isle, the team decided to give them some free beer. That and a playoff appearance have likely eased the pain of the lost home game.
This is the most terrifying entry on our list, as a pacific northwest maskmaker put together this very realistic headpiece inspired by the team’s logo. Enjoy your Seahawks-themed nightmares tonight.
Minnesota brought us a story that really had it all this year: Money, betrayal, intrigue, a grown man in 2015 dressed as a Viking. When Ragnar and the team parted ways over a contract everyone was shocked, and when the longtime Vikings mascot started rooting for the Packers, many hearts were broken.
The Patriots are quite simply a content powerhouse, and their leader on the field is also their leader on the internet: Tom Brady. Brady’s Facebook page has been pumping out memes and memorable videos all season long. While it is extremely unlikely Brady has time to Photoshop pictures and come up with jokes between his busy schedule of throwing touchdowns and avoiding tomatoes, his social media brand managers are really doing a great job.
You would think the best Broncos story of the year would have focused on superstar quarterback and commercial actor extraordinaire Peyton Manning, but nothing can top Shaquil Barrett’s diet revelations. The linebacker told SI’s Robert Klemko that he would put up to seven packets of sugar on pasta before eating it. Not surprisingly, Barrett has lost a considerable amount of weight since ditching the practice after college.