Former Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was in booth last night for Alliance of American Football action between the Arizona Hotshots and Salt Lake Stallions. If he was as lifeless as a coach as he was as a broadcaster, it’s a miracle he lasted 16 years in Cincinnati. 

The game was easily the most exciting of the four AAF games of the league’s debut weekend, with Arizona winning 38–22, but Lewis’s color commentary made it sound like a funeral. No matter how exciting the play, Lewis barely raised his voice. This miraculous escape by Stallions quarterback Matt Linehan didn’t seem to impress Lewis much. 

The second video, where Lewis blandly says “That’s what he does” is equally subdued. 

One of the great things about the AAF is that players are mic’d up in the huddle, so you can hear the play call before they run it. As a coach, Lewis is able to translate that into regular English, but with 5% of the enthusiasm Tony Romo has. 

Viewers picked up on Lewis’s comatose delivery and roasted him on Twitter. 

Lewis will have two chances to redeem himself next weekend, calling games in Birmingham on Saturday and San Diego on Sunday. The San Diego game starts at 8 p.m. ET, if you want to plan your bedtime accordingly. 

Pretty slick, Knicks

I don’t think Knicks fans are going to renew their season tickets because they want to see backup center Mitchell Robinson. The other guy, though...

The Knicks—who everyone knows are desperate to land Kevin Durant—actually took the photo down after it started gaining traction on Twitter.

“Game action photos are used all the time for marketing purposes, but given everything going on, we took the precaution of taking the photo down,” the team told the New York Daily News. “To be clear, it was one of several rotating photos on the website.”

The AAF produced at least one highlight

The debut weekend of the AAF saw mixed results. Few of the games were actually competitive and offenses were sluggish, even with rules (like a maximum five-man pass rush) designed to facilitate scoring. But everyone went nuts for this one sack by San Antonio Commanders linebacker Shaan Washington.

Oh, and Jets bust Christian Hackenberg was predictably horrible and kept cursing on a hot mic.

The best of SI

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Around the sports world

Yankees pitcher Adam Ottavino has a secret pitching “lab” hidden beneath a Chuck E. Cheese in Harlem. ... You can apply for a job as the person driving the Nationals’ bullpen cart.

I count at least four flying teeth here

This is the heavy stuff Carl Spackler was talking about

Wanna know why Trent Richardson isn’t in the NFL?

He knows the A’s aren’t signing him

Oh my god, the ref!

A real candidate for worst loss of the year

Northwestern led Iowa by 15 points 4:30 to play and allowed the Hawkeyes to go on a 23–7 run to close out the game, sealed by this Jordan Bohannon game-winner. 

Zion launched himself on this one

Come for the mullet, stay for the booming kick

Dragged down by the shorts!

Not sports

Police at a Maryland college are trying to find a woman who keeps approaching students and asking them if they’ll date her son. ... California police found a secret gun range under a manhole cover at a suspected biker gang hangout. ... A New York woman used a baseball bat to smash the windows of a Jamaican restaurant because they were out of beef patties. ... Everyone is talking about this crazy story about a shady suspense novelist

I think the implication is that he’ll come at you with a knife if you try to rob him

What a country

Piecing together “Bohemian Rhapsody”

The first look at blue Will Smith in the live-action Aladdin

You won’t believe when this watch was made

A good song

Email dan.gartland@simail.com with any feedback or follow me on Twitter for approximately one half-decent baseball joke per week. Bookmark this page to see previous editions of Hot Clicks and find the newest edition every day. By popular request I’ve made a Spotify playlist of the music featured here. Visit our Extra Mustard page throughout each day for more offbeat sports stories.