The headline of this post is doing a lot of the heavy lifting for me, but you still need context, so let's get to that. Back in June of 2014, Gabe Kapler—now the Phillies' new manager, then a retired former player—wrote a post for his health blog, Kaplifestyle, about the varied and valuable uses of coconut oil. As he put it, "Go ahead and trash your body lotion ($8), chapstick ($3), teeth whitening mouthwash ($6), face cream ($15) and KY jelly ($7). Replace them all with pure, unrefined, organic coconut oil." All well and good—until the point where he pointed out another, uh, alternative use for it.
You’re moisturized and smelling tropical, your teeth are white and your face looks like you’ve just visited a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. The sun has set, and the moon is out. Perhaps you have a friend nearby, perhaps it’s just you by your lonesome…well, this is awkward. I’ve promised you authenticity, honesty and openness. Take this how you wish and I’ll spare you the step by step. Coconut oil is the world’s greatest lubricant. I can’t help where your mind goes with this. Once the ball leaves the bat, I can’t steer it.
As Kapler notes, he can't help where your mind goes with that, though it's not as if he gives you many options.
Either way, as stated previously, Kapler is now the Phillies' new manager, having been hired away from the Dodgers—for whom he was serving as the team's director of player development—to replace outgoing skipper Pete Mackanin. And during his introductory press conference on Thursday, both he and general manager Matt Klentak had to take an uncomfortable question about Kapler's oil-aided stroke from venerable Philadelphia sports personality Howard Eskin, which you can delight in and squirm at below:
What makes this line of querying all the more awkward is how long it takes—40 seconds of Eskin beating around the bush (so to speak) as he deploys the wonderful line "Coconut oil is a phrase" and then asking both Kapler and Klentak if there are any regrets about the new manager of the team having authored a blog post about masturbating. To his credit, Kapler didn't shy away from addressing things head on. "Much of what I've written is several years old, and when I was writing, I was in a different mindset," he said. "If you look through the various posts, there's some tongue-in-cheek stuff." Klentak's comments aren't in that video, but I would like to draw your attention to his briefly visible smile as Kapler fields the question:
That's the look of a man who has no regrets about his decisions.