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Hail to the Hose

Most everybody is familiar with the famous phrase from the Bible, Book of Eccliasticus: "Let us now praise famous men." It's later on in that chapter we get to
Frank Deford|
Hail to the Hose
Hail to the Hose

Most everybody is familiar with the famous phrase from the Bible, Book of Eccliasticus: "Let us now praise famous men."

It's later on in that chapter we get to the part less well known: "But of others there is no memory; they have perished as though they had never existed; they have become as though they had never been born."

As surely you recognize, now we are talking about the Chicago White Sox.

Other losing teams, notably their uptown brethren, the sainted Cubbies, are beloved for their failure. The ChiSox, who have not won a World Series since 1917, losing two in that long interval -- one haplessly, one on purpose --are, at best, damned with faint praise. Their most famous ancient champions were dismissed as "The Hitless Wonders." Their best team of recent vintage, the '83 Division Champs, had, as their lovely battle cry: "Winning Ugly." That's uplifting. And, of course, the SadSox are responsible for the gloomiest, most depressing utterance in all of sport: "Say it ain't so, Joe, say it ain't so."

But you know the one thing the WoeSox do have? They own the best alternative nickname in sport. Pale Hose. Let it drip off your tongue. Pale Hose. I can only suppose that once, sometime long ago, some headline poet of the sports pages, searching desperately for a shorter synonym for white stockings, came up with that truly magnificent ... Pale Hose. Even now, though, I don't think any human being has ever actually said: Pale Hose. It is strictly a newspaper term to be printed, like: feted, tabbed, tiff, melee, as follows, Sino, nuptials, garner, Senior Circuit and GOP. Nobody ever actually speaks those words. Nobody ever actually says Pale Hose.

Alternative nicknames for teams are very rare, too. The Bronx Bombers are surely the most famous. America's Team might have stuck for the Cowboys, but is employed only facetiously now. Monsters of The Midway for the Bears has gone the way of the Gas House Gang and the Purple People Eaters and Dem Bums, when the Dodgers were in Brooklyn. The Rangers are still the Broadway Blues, whenever again they might play hockey, and the Canadiens are the Habs, which is short for habitants, a French term used, in the local vernacular, to denote the farmers of Quebec. That's the most obscure alternative nickname. However, most of them are pretty obvious. The Bucs for the Pirates, the Tribe for the Indians, the Fish for the Dolphins, the Flock for the Orioles, the Birds for the Orioles and Cardinals. Big Birds, like the Eagles and the Falcons and Hawks are never just called Birds. I don't think the Lions have ever been called the Pride either. The Angels are sometimes the Halos, and the Chargers become the Bolts. I think that's a good one. I like the Bolts. But nothing approaches ... Pale Hose.

And now, of all things, the Pale Hose are on fire -- leading the Central Division. So now, America, let us make up for our past neglect. Let us have pity on the unfamous men, the WhoSox. Let us all, to our dear hearts, take the Pale Hose.

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Frank Deford
FRANK DEFORD

Frank Deford is among the most versatile of American writers. His work has appeared in virtually every medium, including print, where he has written eloquently for Sports Illustrated since 1962. Deford is currently the magazine's Senior Contributing Writer and contributes a weekly column to SI.com. Deford can be heard as a commentator each week on Morning Edition. On television he is a regular correspondent on the HBO show Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. He is the author of 15 books, and his latest,The Enitled, a novel about celebrity, sex and baseball, was published in 2007 to exceptional reviews. He and Red Smith are the only writers with multiple features in The Best American Sports Writing of the Century. Editor David Halberstam selected Deford's 1981 Sports Illustrated profile on Bobby Knight (The Rabbit Hunter) and his 1985 SI profile of boxer Billy Conn (The Boxer and the Blonde) for that prestigious anthology. For Deford the comparison is meaningful. "Red Smith was the finest columnist, and I mean not just sports columnist," Deford told Powell's Books in 2007. "I've always said that Red is like Vermeer, with those tiny, priceless pieces. Five hundred words, perfectly chosen, crafted. Best literary columnist, in any newspaper, that I've ever seen." Deford was elected to the National Association of Sportscasters and Sportswriters Hall of Fame. Six times at Sports Illustrated Deford was voted by his peers as U.S. Sportswriter of The Year. The American Journalism Review has likewise cited him as the nation's finest sportswriter, and twice he was voted Magazine Writer of The Year by the Washington Journalism Review. Deford has also been presented with the National Magazine Award for profiles; a Christopher Award; and journalism honor awards from the University of Missouri and Northeastern University; and he has received many honorary degrees. The Sporting News has described Deford as "the most influential sports voice among members of the print media," and the magazine GQ has called him, simply, "The world's greatest sportswriter." In broadcast, Deford has won a Cable Ace award, an Emmy and a George Foster Peabody Award for his television work. In 2005 ESPN presented a television biography of Deford's life and work, You Write Better Than You Play. Deford has spoken at well over a hundred colleges, as well as at forums, conventions and on cruise ships around the world. He served as the editor-in-chief of The National Sports Daily in its brief but celebrated existence. Deford also wrote Sports Illustrated's first Point After column, in 1986. Two of Deford's books, the novel, Everybody's All-American, and Alex: The Life Of A Child, his memoir about his daughter who died of cystic fibrosis, have been made into movies. Two of his original screenplays have also been filmed. For 16 years Deford served as national chairman of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and he remains chairman emeritus. He resides in Westport, CT, with his wife, Carol. They have two grown children – a son, Christian, and a daughter, Scarlet. A native of Baltimore, Deford is a graduate of Princeton University, where he has taught American Studies.

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