Ranking the NFL's Mascots
#28: Raider Rusher — Oakland Raiders
He’s a big head, with no torso, but with arms and legs. The best part is he wears a mask– because if he didn’t have that mask, we’d never figure out who he was. With all that said, we’re all so relieved that he’s the Raiders mascot. It’s like when the weird kid in class reaches into a backpack and asks if you want to see something really cool. But he happens to pull out just a toy – instead of a nameless stranger’s thumb.
#27: T.D. — Miami Dolphins
Seriously. The Dolphins should just punt, and hire Billy the Marlin for their home games. This fish mammal has the wide-eyed look of something that finally snapped after everyone kept tapping on his aquarium.
#26: Sir Purr — Carolina Panthers
It’s time to officially challenge Sir Purr’s page on the Panthers’ website, where he shares his favorite snacks as “birds, like falcons and eagles and seahawks.” There’s no way this charred pink panther is a carnivore. The site also says he “averages more than seven million smiles annually,” which has to include the birds he has previously talked crap about.
#25: Rowdy — Dallas Cowboys
Rowdy is as wholesome as singing “Amazing Grace” with apple pie in your mouth on the Fourth of July after helping an old lady across the street. What Rowdy isn’t – is a non-creepy NFL mascot. Which number is higher: the number of Cowboys Super Bowl titles or the number of heads in Rowdy’s freezer?
#24: Freddie Falcon — Atlanta Falcons
Obviously, years of bad defensive play by his NFL team has caused Freddie to abuse anti-depressants. His pie-eyed half-smile makes other mascots cautiously ask him, “Heyyy, Freddie ... How you holdin’ up?”
#23: KC Wolf — Kansas City Chiefs
KC Wolf is the Randy Quaid of NFL mascots. The Chiefs went the P.C. route and avoided a “chief” mascot, while also giving up on any type of mascot that evoked any fear whatsoever.
#22: Sourdough Sam — San Francisco 49ers
This crazy old prospector has a smile frozen in time, either from when he found his first nugget of gold or from when someone told him he had to act like he was happy that he was named after some chewy, tangy bread.
#21: Sir Saint — New Orleans Saints
Once again, a little like the Redskins, this is a tough mascot to create that evokes anything to do with the team name. When was the last time you saw a tough saint that didn’t evoke images of the bad guy from “The Da Vinci Code”? But Sir Saint!?! He’s like the love child of Peter Griffin and Richard Nixon – neither of which, I might add, should be considered for sainthood!
#20: Poe — Baltimore Ravens
You ever get the feeling a city is overcompensating for something when it continually reminds you that a famous horror writer came from there? Did Baltimore drop out of high school or was Maryland last to get in line on this whole “American Constitution” thing? Poe looks more like a black pelican than a raven, and his soulless eyes make people in Cleveland forgive Art Modell … a little.
#19: Viktor — Minnesota Vikings
Viktor’s forced smile and bulky Scandinavian good looks make us request a check for PEDs. Why does Minnesota love Dog the Bounty Hunter so much?
#18: Toro — Houston Texans
This big fella is awfully happy for an animal that rodeo Texans are always climbing on top of, kicking with spurs and freaking out with redneck clowns … How is a redneck clown NOT the Texans’ mascot!?!
#17: Bolt Man — San Diego Chargers
We’re not saying he’s on steroids. We’re not saying he’s obviously psychotic. We’re not saying this is a cross between Jim Carrey’s “The Mask” and Fire Marshal Bill characters. We are saying we apologize for ruining your pleasant sleep for the next week or so.
#16: Captain Fear — Tampa Bay Buccaneers
From the winking Bucco Bruce to the constipated Captain Fear, the Buccaneers can’t win with their mascot. From the unibrow to the 11 o’clock shadow, this guy looks more like a danger to himself than anyone else.
#15: Rampage — Los Angeles Rams
It’s tough to love a mouth-breathing character that’s a mix between a cute tiger cub and a laid-back Minotaur. The face is too furry, though – like your Aunt Paula.
#14: Jaxson De Ville — Jacksonville Jaguars
With such a tough, villainous name – Jaxson sure looks like a dork even other mascots would mock. Kids probably love ‘em, though, and he’s well-known for crazy stunts and Jackass-ery. We do love the fact his antics forced the NFL to change their mascot rules in 1998.
#13: Blue — Indianapolis Colts
We get it – it’s tough to make a tough mascot out of a horse or a bird. But when did Orlando trade Stuff the Magic Dragon to the Colts? Blue makes us smile, ironically, and not reactively jerk our hands back when he goes to shake them.
#12: Steely McBeam — Pittsburgh Steelers
When did Rob Riggle become an NFL mascot!?! Much like his 49ers brethren, Steely is forced to wear a smile wherever he goes – funerals, prison, Pittsburgh …
#11: Miles — Denver Broncos
This ever-smiling equine looks tough, outside of the orange hair and the fact he talks through his teeth like his jaw was wired shut. But his fluffy orange tail takes away plenty tough mascot points.
#10: T-Rac — Tennessee Titans
A raccoon mascot really just makes us tighten the lids on our trash cans. The Titans (giant deities of incredible strength, according to Wikipedia) could have gone with Atlas carrying around a huge football on his back instead … A raccoon it is!
#9: Who Dey — Cincinnati Bengals
One of many cutesy wild cats, although, this one has the distinction of having a question as his name. Plus, he has several whiskers randomly shooting out of his face that makes him look like he lost a battle with a porcupine. (Why aren’t there porcupine mascots!?!)
#8: Pat the Patriot — New England Patriots
The real Pat the Patriot was a center for the old New England Patriots (which explains why the Bears defensive line destroyed the Patriots in Super Bowl XX). This Pat the Patriot is a muppet-like version that is obviously allergic to bee-stings and regularly inflated balls.
#7: Swoop — Philadelphia Eagles
Swoop certainly looks mean and aggressive, and the Angry Birds app might as well have been called, “Grumpy Swoop.” Sadly, he likely boos the baby birds in his nest rather than feed them.
#6: Roary — Detroit Lions
He recently changed his appearance from the sleepy eyed lion with a “Whaaaatever, dude” look to the glazed-eyed look you’d expect from the mascot of a team that hasn’t gotten past the Wild Card round since 1991. His ‘80s hair does make us jealous, though.
#5: Billy Buffalo — Buffalo Bills
He’s big, he’s blue, he was probably the easiest mascot to name in mascot history. We’re just happy they didn’t go off script and name him “Harvey de Bison” or something similarly odd. He looks like Beast, from “Beauty and the Beast,” so he’s able to pull off the tough guy look, while still being kid-friendly – like the wrestler, Mankind!
#4: Big Red — Arizona Cardinals
It’s tough to love a ginger, and it’s hard to look past his awkward neckbeard. But of all the NFL mascots, we think this one could suit up and play – possibly as a ball-hawking cornerback? … We should delete that.
#3: Chomps — Cleveland Browns
We want to hate him, just because the Browns really shouldn’t have any mascot at all, much like the Giants, Jets, Packers and Redskins. But this guy is the perfect mix of angry dog and fun puppy that gains everyone’s approval. He probably has rabies, which is perfect!
#2: Staley Da Bear — Chicago Bears
This mascot gets several thumbs up for its nod to history (named after their Chicago’s original franchise owner, A.E. Staley of the Decatur Staleys), a tribute to SNL’s Superfans, and for having orange in his eyes. Really, though, they could have had a stuffed Bill Swerski and we would have been fine with that, too.
#1: Blitz — Seattle Seahawks
This seahawk already knows he has you beat. He has that cocky grin and pushed-out chest of an older brother that constantly asks you why you keep hitting yourself. We would not be surprised to see Blitz co-star in the next “Expendables” movie.