The Christmas Presents the 49ers Deserve
Today is Christmas. And in the Christmas Spirit, I would like to pass out presents to the 49ers, who've had a tough season and could use some holiday cheer.
Here are the presents I would give them.
Kyle Shanahan would get a mirror that talks to him and tells him the truth. He also would get a little box, and inside it would be the ability to plan ahead and manage the clock during games.
Robert Saleh would get the Jacksonville Jaguars head-coaching job when it becomes available this offseason, and he would get final say over their draft and 53-man roster, instead of Jaguars Director of Player Personnel Trent Baalke.
Jed York would get a map of Santa Clara, so the next time he leaves Levi's Stadium in a huff at halftime he doesn't drive down a one-way street the wrong way.
Jimmy Garoppolo would get a first-class, one-way plane ticket back to New England so he can continue his career on the Patriots, where he was meant to be.
Mike McGlinchey would get a gift certificate to an all-you-can-eat buffet and a free month's trial at a gym, because he's an athlete and I think it would really help him to eat and lift weights.
Deebo Samuel would get a free month's trial at a yoga studio so he learns how to stretch and not pull his hamstring.
C.J. Beathard would get a $5 million private insurance policy, because for the next two weeks his life will be in McGlinchey's hands and I don't trust him.
Richard Sherman would get a set of golf clubs, because he needs to retire from the NFL and get a hobby.
Arik Armstead would get more investors for his youth literacy program, which is a phenomenal thing he has created.
And George Kittle would get a picture of my handsome face so he could hang it in his locker or post it on his refrigerator to use as motivation.
