By 90Min
July 10, 2019

It's that time of year again, that time of year when we look at West Ham's strikers and go '...them? Really?'

With the departures of Andy Carroll, Marko Arnautovic and Toni Martinez (christ!) this summer, the cupboard is bare. Like, 'Javier Hernandez and Jordan Hugill only' bare. They've managed to misnegotiate a deal for Maxi Gomez so badly that he's going to Valencia instead, and Bournemouth are giving Callum Wilson a new contract to keep him at the Vitality. 

It's a series of screwups that would have any other fanbase in turmoil, but this is business as normal in east London. Since David Gold and David Sullivan took over the club in January 2010, the club have signed 38 strikers. Andy Carroll has scored more than any of them, with...34 goals. 

Clive Rose/GettyImages

It's so, so hard to overstate just how dreadful the club have been at signing strikers as we approach a decade of, as Sporting CP president Bruno de Carvalho called them, the Dildo Brothers. So let's just lay out the numbers. 

Striker Goalscoring record
Benni McCarthy 0 in 13
Mido 0 in 9
Ilan 4 in 11
Pablo Barrera 0 in 23
Frederic Piquionne 11 in 62
Victor Obinna 8 in 32
Demba Ba 7 in 13
Robbie Keane 2 in 10
John Carew 2 in 21
Sam Baldock 5 in 22
Brian Montenegro 0 in 1
Terry Dixon 0 in 0
Nicky Maynard 4 in 17
Ricardo Vaz Te 19 in 61
Modibo Maiga 7 in 45
Andy Carroll 34 in 142
Sean Maguire 0 in 0
Marouane Chamakh 0 in 3
Wellington Paulista 0 in 0
Mladen Petric 0 in 4
Carlton Cole 9 in 56
Jaanai Gordon 0 in 0
Marco Borriello 0 in 2
Mauro Zarate 7 in 29
Enner Valencia 10 in 72
Diafra Sakho 24 in 71
Nene 0 in 8
Nikica Jelavic 2 in 14
Emmanuel Emenike 2 in 16
Toni Martinez 0 in 3
Ashley Fletcher 1 in 20
Jonathan Calleri 1 in 19
Simone Zaza 0 in 11
Marko Arnautovic 22 in 65
Javier Hernandez 16 in 61
Jordan Hugill 0 in 2
Oladapo Afolayan 0 in 0
Lucas Perez 6 in 19

That's 203 goals in 957 games in all competitions, or 4.71 games per goal. By comparison, Cristiano Ronaldo has scored 465 in 466. Harry Kane is 23 goals behind on 318 games. That's 639 games fewer, stat fans. And he was 16 years old when the Davids took over.

You want more? Lionel Messi, in the time it's taken West Ham strikers to score 203 goals, has scored 502 times in club football. He's done it in 499 games. 

West Ham since Gold and Sullivan took over on 19th January 2010: 203 in 957 at 4.71.
Messi since 19th January 2010: 502 in 499 at 0.99. 

If you combined Glenn Murray and Troy Deeney since the start of the 2010/11 season, they'd have 214 goals in 613 games at 2.89 games/goal. And they're so average

This isn't a propaganda piece. There's no anti-G&S agenda. It's just stunning how bad West Ham are at signing strikers.

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