Picking a Best XI of Soccer Players Whose Names Are Foods

Here at Sports Illustrated, we’re usually focused on the sharp end of soccer coverage—whether that’s in-depth match previews and analysis, transfer news, long-form features, interviews or everything in between.

Sometimes, though—just sometimes—it’s fun to do something a little silly.

For no particular reason at all, we’ve decided to put together the ultimate XI of soccer players—past and present—whose names also happen to be foods. Consider this one purely for your entertainment.

Bon appétit.

GK: Dean Gerken

There were two burger-related options for the goalkeeper spot: Former Ipswich Town shot-stopper Dean Gerken, or ex-Northampton Town and Aston Villa keeper Mark Bunn.

In the end, Gerken proved the tastier choice.

RWB: Nacho Fernández

Nacho Fernandez — Nacho Fernández. | Kevin Jairaj-Imagn Images

Nacho average defender, Fernández chipped in more than his fair share during his long spell at Real Madrid, playing a key squad role as the club scooped up silverware—including six Champions League titles—for fun.

CB: Yaya Banana

Many an attacker struggled to peel away from former Cameroon international Yaya Banana—who was named in the CAF Team of the Year in 2011.

CB: Frank LeBoeuf

A World Cup and European Championship winner with France, Frank LeBoeuf was an an imMOOvable object during his heyday—a cut above the rest, some might say.

CB: Mark Fish

Capped 62 times by South Africa, Mark Fish fittingly spent part of his career with a fellow nautically themed side, turning out for Orlando Pirates.

LWB: Baba Rahman

Baba Rahman (ramen, in case you hadn’t guessed) lived up to his edible moniker during his time at Chelsea.

Never first choice, usually tucked away at the back of the cupboard and largely forgotten, he occasionally proved handy as a last-minute snack when all the premium ingredients were off the menu.

SUB: Declan Rice

We’re extremely disappointed that Declan Rice and long-term partner Lauren Fryer didn’t name their son “Egg” instead of Jude.

CM: Patrick Berger

Steven Gerrard once said of former Liverpool teammate Patrik Berger that he was “the best left-footed striker of a ball I have ever seen.”

You could say he was a bun in a million. (We’re not even sorry.)

CAM: Tony Currie

Colorful, spicy and cultured—words that could just as easily describe former England international Tony Currie as they could his namesake dish.

An attacking midfielder blessed with superb technique and an eye for goal, Currie even kept the soccer lineage alive, with his nephew Darren Currie also carving out a career as a professional player.

ST: Martin Pringle

Forced to retire early after suffering a horrific double leg fracture while playing for Grimsby Town in 2002, Martin Pringle instead moved into management rather than becoming a mascot for the potato chip brand.

ST: Massimo Maccarone

As if being called Massimo Maccarone wasn’t enough, the former Middlesbrough and Empoli striker was also nicknamed “Big Mac.”

SUB: Jonas Fries

We can imagine German midfielder Jonas Fries linking up perfectly with Massimo “Big Mac” Maccarone.

SUB: Happy Jele

Not to be confused with Samkelo Jam Jam—former South Africa defender Happy Jele is the most capped player in Orlando Pirates history.

SUB: Lasse Schone

An Eredivisie cult hero, Lasse Schöne (pronounced “scone,” not “scon,” of course) won three league titles with Ajax during his career, and also turned out for Heerenveen, De Graafschap and NEC.

SUB: Kevin Lasagna

The origins of the Italian surname Lasagna are thought to come from someone who either made or loved the pasta dish.

We’d have to double-check with Kevin, but we’re pretty sure he fits the description.

SUB: Tamer Tuna

Close friends with Mark Fish. Once turned out for Cray(fish) Wanderers.

Manager: Barry Venison

Given Barry Venison only had a brief spell as manager of Orange County Blues in the USL Pro, we can only hope the former Sunderland, Liverpool and Newcastle star’s salary won’t be too deer.

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​GK: Dean Gerken