Dan Gartland
Thursday November 3rd, 2016

The phrase “Hollywood story” is probably overused, but it certainly applies to the Cubs’ monumental World Series win.

The story of the 2016 Chicago Cubs and how Theo Epstein turned a dismal franchise into a powerhouse will be a blockbuster at some point in the next five years.

It’ll trace Epstein’s transition from the Red Sox to the Cubs, beginning with the rebuilding process that landed them Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo, and then skip forward to 2016. A big-name director will get behind the project, assured that it’ll be easy Oscar bait, maybe David Fincher or Christopher Nolan. Aaron Sorkin will end up writing the script, of course. And Bill Murray will make a cameo.

But who should star? Let’s pretend the producers have an unlimited budget to pay all the biggest stars and take a look at who should be in Billy Goat’s Curse, coming to theaters Christmas 2020. 

Kris Bryant | Chris Hemsworth

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​Handsome? Check. Beefy? Check. Ability to hold a baseball bat? Check.

Aroldis Chapman | Mahershala Ali

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Ali is a rising star in Hollywood, with breakout roles recently in Netflix’s Luke Cage and the critically acclaimed movie Moonlight. He’s already shown in Luke Cage and House of Cards that he can be pretty menacing, which is just what you need in a closer. 

Joe Maddon | Bradley Whitford

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Not only does Whitford bear a pretty striking resemblance to Maddon, he was glued to Game 7

Anthony Rizzo | Tim Tebow

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Tim Tebow is going to be in movies eventually, and this is his best chance to get on a major league diamond. 

David Ross | Michael Kelly

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Kelly, known for his role on House of Cards, is already publicly lobbying for the role of Ross.

Theo Epstein | Brad Pitt

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Pitt already showed he can play a genius GM in Moneyball. It’s a good thing Epstein is handsome.

Kyle Schwarber | Jonah Hill

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Another Moneyball alum. This time Hill gets to play a player, as long as he’s willing to grow a terrible goatee. 

Jason Heyward | Michael B. Jordan

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Jordan’s role in Creed already showed us that he’s pretty athletic, and a damn good actor. 

Dexter Fowler | Anthony Mackie

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The resemblance could be stronger but Mackie is too good an actor to pass up. 

Jon Lester | Corey Stoll

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Stoll doesn’t even have to learn how to throw to first base. 

Francisco Lindor | Khleo Thomas

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Yes, that’s the kid from Holes all grown up. 

Andrew Miller | Jason Segal

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His height (6'8") makes casting Miller a tough task, but Segal (6'4") fits the bill. 

Corey Kluber | Dominic Cooper

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Cooper was great on AMC’s Preacher and would have to play a big role in the film’s final act—Game 7. 

Terry Francona | Alec Baldwin

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Put a big wad of tobacco in his cheek, have him stay up all night and he’s good to go. 

Javier Baez | Daniel Day-Lewis

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Nailing the role of Baez will require much more than just a superficial resemblance. Give Day-Lewis a few years to really hone in on Baez’s mannerisms, especially those famous tags. 

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