Me cursing out my own fans is basically just an argument over dinner with Mom and Dad. Send any suggestions to SI.TheLineup@gmail.com. (Bold indicates a national broadcast. All times Eastern.)
- A double dose of the New Yorker. Kirk J. Rudell has a stirring halftime speech for an 8-year-old girls' soccer team. Lizzie Widdicombe joins the party in mocking Bleacher Report's founder and his new website for ladies.
- Jezebel's Katie J.M. Baker goes to Stuebenville to see the reverberating pain that still exists after the sex crimes committed there last year.
- Former NFL bench player Nate Jackson writes about his experience quitting football in an excerpt from his new book, Slow Getting Up, about life on the fringe of professional football.
Minor League Baseball AAA Championship Game: Durham Bulls vs. Omaha Stormchasers, 7:00p.m. (NBC Sports)
How sick do you think the Durham players are of hearing quotes from Bull Durham, especially since it came out before many of them were born? Nevertheless, if the Bulls win the championship trophy, they'll surely be happy to give it a long, slow, deep, wet kiss that lasts three days.
Braves vs. Nationals,7:05p.m.
Marlins vs. Phillies, 7:05p.m.
Padres vs. Pirates, 7:05p.m.
Yankees vs. Blue Jays, 7:07p.m.
Mariners vs. Tigers, 7:08p.m.
Orioles vs. Red Sox, 7:10p.m.
Giants vs. Mets, 7:10p.m.
Rangers vs. Rays, 7:10p.m.
Cubs vs. Brewers, 8:10p.m.
Reds vs. Astros, 8:10p.m.
Indians vs. Royals, 8:10p.m.
Twins vs. White Sox, 8:10p.m.
Cardinals vs. Rockies, 8:40p.m.
Dodgers vs. Diamondbacks, 9:40p.m.
Angels vs. Athletics, 10:05p.m.
Sporting K.C. vs. Real Esteli, 8:00p.m.
Montreal Impact vs. San Jose Earthquakes, 10:00p.m. (Fox Sports 2)
Copa Mexico: Cruz Azul Hidalgo vs. Zacatepec, 3:55 (ESPN Deportes)
Copa Mexico: Alebrijes de Oaxaca vs. Lobos BUAP, 9:55p.m. (ESPN Deportes)
NCAA: UNC Greensboro vs. Clemson, 7:00p.m. (ESPN3)
Manchester United vs. Bayern Leverkusen, 2:30p.m. (Fox Sports 1)
The group stage of the Champions League kicks off today with a huge slate of games. This matchup gives a chance for a little karmic retribution. Man U. skipper David Moyes has called for retrospective punishment for divers, a heady demand from a man leading the club that used to trot out Cristiano Ronaldo.
America's Cup, 3:30p.m. (NBC Sports & Live Extra)
Hometown support for Team USA, run by Die Hard bad guy Larry Ellison, has been basically nonexistent so far in this year's race. Now that the Yanks look capable of staging a comeback, that attitude is starting to change.
World Series of Poker: Day 5, 9:00p.m. (ESPN)
NCAA Women's: Fordham vs. St. John's, 7:00p.m. (ESPN3)
E:60, 7:00p.m. (ESPN)
Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, 10:00p.m. (HBO)
Hispanic Heritage Month Special: One Nation, 8:00p.m. (ESPN)
There's a delicate balance between honoring a culture's heritage and parodying it through stereotypes, something the NBA's Noche Latina struggles with (what with the salsa music and shoehorning of "Los" onto jerseys). ESPN takes the direct rout by celebrating the top ten most influential Hispanic athletes of all time. Just remember that a Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas qualifies Tim Tebow.
Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals Left Wing, 28
Jimmie Johnson, NASCAR Driver, 38
Rasheed Wallace, Former NBA PF, 39
Mark Brunell, Former NFL QB, 43
Kyle Chandler, Actor who played coach Eric Taylor on Friday Night Lights, 48
Phil Jackson, NBA Hall of Fame Coach, 68