Operation Bratwurst just the start of Urbanator 1000's sinister plot
Shortly after new Ohio State coach Urban Meyer wrapped his first recruiting class, one of his fellow Big Ten coaches began complaining. Wisconsin's Bret Bielema, stung from the flip of Cleveland offensive lineman Kyle Dodson, promised Thursday to bring his grievances against Meyer to Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. Bielema has no idea what he's up against. Early Friday morning, SI.com intercepted a series of transmissions between a Skyline Chili location in suburban Columbus, Ohio, and the forge at the Vulcan statue overlooking downtown Birmingham, Ala. Something far more sinister is afoot...
***
Begin transmission.
To: SliveborgFrom: Urbanator 1000
Mission complete. Have successfully assimilated Ohio State fan base into our way of life. Flipped eight players committed to other schools. Enraged fellow Big Ten coaches. Zero resistance from Ohio State fans. All have defended my actions in Operation Bratwurst. Bret Bielema being lampooned in Columbus media. Had you installed humor chip, would have appreciated link between America's Dairyland and "cheese with whine" jokes. All in scarlet and gray seem to have completely forgotten that three years ago, they thought Urban Meyer was scum and SEC-style recruiting was on par with Toddlers and Tiaras as a sign of America's moral decay. It appears That School Up North may also come to our side. Awaiting further instructions.
End transmission.
***
Begin transmission.
To: Urbanator 1000From: Sliveborg
Excellent. I suspected you would turn them, but I didn't believe it would happen so quickly. I must remember to reduce the daily lashings for the science team by six -- one for each consecutive national title -- for inventing Liquid Coach and allowing me to replace the real Urban Meyer with a competition-killing robot. (In case you're wondering, your flesh-and-blood doppelganger is safely in hiding as the tambourine player for Jimmy Buffett's Coral Reefer Band. He will be stashed at Mike Leach's house in Key West when the tour ends next month. We have nothing to worry about. He still has no desire to coach.) In the next few months, we must sow more seeds of discord in the Big Ten for my master plan to come to fruition. In the closet of your office at Ohio State, you will find a large box. Open it. Inside, you will find a bald, trim facsimile of a human being. Turn him on by yanking his tongue. Then take him to the highest wattage radio station in Columbus. By the end of March, Saul Binefaum will have the highest rated show in the Midwest.
End transmission.
***
Begin transmission.
To: SliveborgFrom: Urbanator 1000
One further issue. After signing a 25-man class, I have more than 85 scholarship players on roster. Big Ten allows program to sign up to three over limit, but getting some pushback. When Urban Meyer's Florida memories were downloaded, solution seemed simple in Gainesville. Wait for three players to be arrested. Will that work here?
End transmission.
***
Begin transmission.
To: Urbanator 1000From: Sliveborg
DO NOT GET SIDETRACKED BY MIDWESTERN OVERSIGNING MANIA! They're obsessed with that stuff up there. It's as if they don't realize college football is a multibillion dollar business and 20-year-old athletes are merely pawns. Silly, silly creatures. Do not count on players to run afoul of the law. Encourage the worst ones to transfer. Maybe we forgot to program you with the knowledge of the vast dumping ground for Big Ten players who didn't live up to the promise they showed in high school. It's called the Mid-American Conference. Remind me to lash the scientists for that oversight.
End transmission.
***
Begin transmission.
To: SliveborgFrom: Urbanator 1000
Have concerns about execution of master plan. Banned from bowl this season by NCAA. Don't we need crystal football to cross Ohio state line for plan to be effective? Bowl ban appears to be fault of Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith, who could have held team out of horrible Gator Bowl matchup. Should I eliminate?
End transmission.
***
Begin transmission.
To: Urbanator 1000From: Sliveborg
Stand down. We don't need any dramatic changes. Win eight or nine games this season, then prepare for the takeover in January 2014. It's easier if the Midwesterners only notice gradual changes. First, they'll develop an insatiable appetite for barbecue, but residents of different states will get into fistfights about whose style of sauce is better. Their wives and girlfriends will show an active interest in football that will soon become obsessive. Those wives and girlfriends also will grow more attractive. Local malls will experience a tenfold increase in sundress sales, which might increase the incidence of frostbite. By the time you hoist the crystal football in Pasadena, all will be ready. We won't even need an invasion. The Midwesterners will march on the Big Ten office and demand that Jim Delany vacate. They'll suggest that you should lead the conference, but you will decline. You will then install me as commissioner, and I will have control of the Big Ten's teams, population base and cable network. I will then merge the Big Ten with the SEC, break away from the NCAA and sign a massive media rights deal that will send shamed Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott running back to the world of professional tennis. I shall call the new league the Southeastern Conference. Excellent work so far, Urbanator 1000. Stand by for further instructions. In the meantime, I will prepare Nuttbot 9000 for the Purdue Project.
End transmission.
