Why Your Team Won't Win the NBA Title
The Hawks need to trade for a scorer who can get them a basket when defenses clamp down on their offense in the post-season, someone who can create their own shot. Maybe Joe Johnson is available.
Eventually, people will realize Brad Stevens is really a 17-year-old with incredible PhotoShop skills who made an extremely believable resume in order to get hired, and the Celtics will have to let him go.
It’s going to be hard for this team to win the Finals when they wake up in Siberia after a six-game losing streak. Deron Williams is still their best option at point guard, and he’s on the Mavericks.
New uniforms have done little to cover up the fact that Al Jefferson still can’t play defense and Kemba Walker is basically a glorified chucker. The Hornets’ best player will always be their owner.
The Bulls won’t win the Finals because you can’t play four power forwards on the court at the same time. Fred Hoiberg’s ceiling was dude who would randomly hit a few threes in NBA Live 2002, not championship head coach.
Skip Bayless will make sure this team never wins the Finals, and he does not seem like the kind of person you want to make an enemy out of.
Team communication will be non-existent when Mark Cuban forces every player to use Cyber Dust, and eventually their playoff hopes will disappear into thin air too.
I honestly can’t name more than four players on this team. That can’t be good.
The Pistons were applauded for getting rid of Josh Smith, then they signed Reggie Jackson, who is basically the point guard version of Josh Smith. The Pistons should form a wall around Jackson and not let him on the court.
Golden State Warriors
The Warriors were a great team, blah blah blah, they almost lost to a team whose offensive strategy in the Finals was to hold the ball for 23 seconds and then let their one good player shoot.
Basketball isn’t a spreadsheet.
David West would rather have $11 million less than spend another year with this franchise.
Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers’ solution for fixing a team that complains too much was to trade for Lance Stephenson.
Los Angeles Lakers
Roy Hibbert will have Lakers fans clamoring for the return of Chris Mihm. It’s unclear if Byron Scott is aware what year it is. Kobe Bryant is a glorified Lou Williams, who is a glorified Nick Young.
This is the same team that falls short every single season. The Grizzlies’ strategy is basically hoping every team with legitimate championship aspirations gets hit with a major injury.
Mario Chalmers still thinks he is better than LeBron.
Jason Kidd will leave the team 30 games into the season to become the head chef of a restaurant he has no business running, then leave that job to become Bernie Sanders’s vice president.
An in-his-prime Kevin Garnett had to leave Minnesota to win a title. The old one would have to also.
New Orleans Pelicans
Alvin Gentry’s ascribed offensive genius will not turn Jrue Holiday and Tyreke Evans into Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, and New Orleans’s mascot still kind of creeps me out.
New York Knicks
I’m not entirely sure Isiah Thomas still doesn’t control this team.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Still one high-scoring sixth man away from true championship contention.
You only hire Scott Skiles so you can fire him in three years to give your team a huge morale boost.
The Suns signed Tyson Chandler to help sign LaMarcus Aldridge, then didn’t sign Aldridge.
Portland Trail Blazers
Let most of their good players go, kept the only one who wasn’t good on defense. Does it even matter which Plumlee twin they acquired?
If the government is worried about daily fantasy sites taking advantage of an unsuspecting public, just hand DraftKings over to Vivek Ranadive and have him run the company into the ground.
San Antonio Spurs
Whatever deal Tim Duncan made with the devil will eventually be exposed and he will be banned from basketball.
Kyle Lowry is in the best shape of his life, and as we all know, that’s always the reason a team finally wins a championship.
If Gordon Hayward couldn’t lead Butler past Duke, he can’t lead the Jazz past the Warriors.
Drew Gooden is their most reliable playoff shooter now that Paul Pierce is gone. John Wall is an elite player and person, but Randy Wittman is still his coach.