Eight Things The Kansas City Chiefs Could Use To Replace Fans In Arrowhead Stadium
The NFL is going to have the 2020 season, and they’re going to have it on time. A multi-billion dollar entertainment empire simply cannot afford any scheduling inconveniences.
This may mean playing without fans in the stands. If the Chiefs are smart, they will have a contingency plan, should this issue arise. Nobody wants to watch football played in an empty stadium. Here are some very good alternatives to stadium desolation.
Cardboard cutouts of fans
The Chiefs could hold a contest on Twitter where fans send in full-body photos of themselves and the winners get to be turned into full-sized cardboard cutouts in Arrowhead. Fans DM-ing the Chiefs full-body photos of themselves is a plan with exactly zero holes in it.
Players’ and coaches’ pets
Fill the stadium with all the pets of the Chiefs players and coaches. Loose doggos and kitty cats and probably some, like, birds and hamsters, too. I don’t keep up with what all their pets are, so I just want to meet them all. They could have sections for each species of pet. Bird Section can be up top. Doggo Section can be front-row. Down on the sidelines, they could have a heating lamp for Sammy Watkins and his lizard friends. They could even have a Fishbowl Section for all the fishes. Not one giant fishbowl — individual fishbowls sitting in individual seats.
Those penguins from the Kansas City Zoo that visited the Nelson-Atkins Museum
They spent all day at an art museum and the only sport they got a taste of were those massive shuttlecocks out on the front lawn. You can’t get a full cultural experience of a city with professional sports without catching a game. Plus, if the Chiefs were playing in front of a crowd of penguins, they’d never lose again. When you meet a penguin, your natural response is not wanting to disappoint them.
Tony Hawk
Remove all the seats from all the sections and install a bunch of ramps and have Tony Hawk shredding around hitting stalefishes and madonnas while Patrick Mahomes behind-the-back, under-the-legs chucks it 75 yards to Tyreek Hill to go up 70-0. It’d be the greatest show on television.
Desert Rain Frogs
One single fan
The Chiefs could select eight fans and give them each a ticket to one of the 2020 home games. Stick them in one of the middle sections facing the camera. Position a microphone just close enough so we can hear their distant, echoed cheers.
Snails
I think snails are nice and deserve a good time. Each seat could have many snails, because snails are very small relative to human-size seats. But I want the snails to feel special, so they should each get their own seat. When the Chiefs win the Super Bowl, Mitch Holthus can shout “THIS ONE’S FOR THE SNAILS!” Then all the snails can line up down the streets and gather at Union Station for the parade and Travis Kelce can cut a drunk-promo about how good snails are.
Me
This is similar to the one single fan plan. The minor difference being instead of eight separate winners, the Chiefs will fly me out to KC on a private, sanitized jet and every 2020 home game can be Jacob Day.
Any of these ideas would be good, because I came up with them. I hope things are okay enough for there to be a full stadium of fans in Arrowhead when September rolls around. But if things are not okay enough for that, as you can plainly see, there are plenty of amazing and exciting options to make sure the NFL gets started on time and doesn’t lose any money. And maybe snails will finally get their time in the spotlight.
