It's that time again! That time when we gather to mourn our collective loss of bragging rights or $50 or whatever you were foolish enough to wager on this hellsport. Welcome! If you happened to win this week, get out. We don’t serve your kind here.
Boy, that missed batting call was a doozy. If that call goes the other way, one of two things happen:
- The Seahawks start 1–3
- Russell Wilson leads a game-winning touchdown drive
Damn, that’s tantalizing. I’ll take either one over the inevitable oncoming week of obscure rules discussion. Those sound great! But now we get to chat about if the rule was correct, or incorrect, or whether it should be a rule at all, and just how much that rules official looked like a docile zombie. Shoot me. Everyone lost except for Seahawks fans, which, you know, makes things even worse. To top it off, Marshawn Lynch has been effectively replaced by Thomas Rawls. Someone picked up Rawls on a hunch last week and feels sooooo cool right now. That guy sucks.
Andrew Luck has a partial separation of his shoulder, presumably aided by his partial excuse for an offensive line. I normally wouldn’t feel bad about this, but he’s my QB in two leagues and he does that weird thing where he congratulates anyone who sacks him, which is awesome.
Luck’s preseason ascension to consensus No. 1 fantasy QB sort of hammers home just how dumb it is whenever we get too clever with this stuff. Brady and Rodgers remain awesome, which anyone could have told you, but I guess we reaaaally wanted somebody new to claim the throne, or something. Some people even talked themselves into taking ol’ amishbeard with their first-round pick, for example. Those people are probably doomed. I’m doomed.
Sam Bradford finished second among all quarterbacks this week, partially because Tom Brady had a bye week, and partially because the 2015 Eagles are legitimately trying to murder me via brain aneurysm. The nice part is they’re apparently trying to murder their fan base, too, so I don’t feel completely alone. The inconsistency is maddening. My doctor prescribed me a heavy dose of Ignoring The Eagles this week, to help with my blood pressure, but I can’t do it. I’m a sick man.
Speaking of inconsistent, the Giants are amazingly, wonderfully, consistently that. After three weeks of “meh,” Eli went out and threw three TDs against a stingy Bills D on the road, because of course he did. And fittingly enough, Eli’s best fantasy game of the season coincided with Odell Beckham Jr.’s worst, because of course it did. Watch the Giants go out and thump the Niners before losing to the Eagles by 20. It’s probably not their fault at this point. They can’t help themselves.
Jay Cutler is back and the Bears won, which means Bears fans probably feel right now like I did in high school: grumpy and confused.
It’s been the Year Of The Backup so far, with a number of understudies showing up to the dance in really loud suits. James Starks, DeAngelo Williams and Thomas Rawls, all thought to be buried behind top-5 fantasy backs, have all made huge early season contributions. But beyond that, Devonta Freeman has jumped in front of Tevin Coleman and gone straight bonkers, gobbling up points like me at the shrimp table at a buffet. A weird comparison? Sure! Focus on the points thing. It’s been a fun period for Devonta, I imagine, as he’s matched a few fantasy records and probably doesn’t get his name misspelled anymore. Good for him.
Whoa, Duke Johnson had a good week! Hey, leave it to a team called the Cleveland Browns to leave a huge Duke-y on the field, amirite? That’s not my joke, a friend made it, but I’m pretty sure anything you send in a group chat is legally in the public domain. Don’t quote me on that, I bailed on law school to write pithy complaints about fantasy football.
Also C.J. Spiller has a pulse! Poor C.J. Between him and Reggie Bush, I’m not sure who was more exciting to watch in college and as disappointing as a pro. Someone who WON’T be disappointing as a pro is apparently Todd Gurley, who finally finished thawing out of carbonite this week en route to averaging seven-plus yards a carry.
All the good ones were off this week, except for Calvin Johnson, and he fumbled a game away at the goal line. Garbage week for receivers. Look at some of those top scoring names: Tavon Austin? Allen Hurns? Who’s Leonard Hankerson? I could Google him, I suppose, but it’s more fun relaxing and nodding when someone else explains it.
Jeremy Maclin turned in his second straight killer performance, so maybe people will shut up about Alex Smith. Oh? What’s that? They won’t? Boy, really thought they’d let that go. Football fans are usually so rational.
Gronk had a bye week and I was too lazy to pick up a tight end on either of my teams with him. I’ve thrown in the towel at this point.
Speaking of which, since I started writing this column, a number of people have asked me for fantasy football advice, which is completely missing the point of this column. I don’t write it because I’m GOOD; I write it because I’m MAD. If I had any modicum of wisdom about this activity I’d put some money down and become the DRAFT KING.
Seriously, I’m terrible at this. My mom beat me last week. Here’s that shout-out you asked for, Mom. Thanks for the gift of life, or whatever.
Props to the Lions D for putting their offense in the position to choke like that. Nothing quite like a D-lineman scoring a touchdown, unless it’s an O-lineman.
Cairo Santos hit 7 out of 7 field goals on Sunday and his team still lost. Wow, that’s painful. I don't know how I’d process things at that point. Being kicker is already a thankless job, and it’s not like those guys are physically imposing enough to get in their teammates faces about it. I bet Cairo passive-aggressively misses an extra point next week.
This Week's Player Who Used to be Good
Josh Scobee, who the Jaguars once used a franchise tag on. (Really!) I honestly didn’t know you could do that with a kicker. Josh missed two field goals on Thursday night, which seems like a lot, considering that NFL kickers seemingly never miss, unless they’re named Nate Kaeding and it’s the playoffs.
This Week's Player Who is Still Good
VINCENT JACKSON. I honestly didn’t know he was still in the league. And neither did Carolina’s secondary, I guess.
Person at Whom You Should Creepily Tweet a Thank-You
Arian Foster. Feeno had a rough week—having one of his own lineman force him to fumble and everything—but he is a super chill dude on twitter. Thank him for the good vibes, if not for the fantasy points.
just read a tweet that said "this owl has zero chill." yall some weirdos.— Feeno (@ArianFoster) June 16, 2015
Arian Foster is great. Have a good week, everyone.