New Boston College football coach Steve Addazio is clearly destined for sitcom stardom. (Charles Krupa/AP :: Google)
By Martin Rickman
We learned a lot about new Boston College head coach Steve Addazio at this year's ACC media days. The biggest takeaway, though, is that Addazio belongs in a TGIF-era ABC family sitcom. He's engaging, he's endearing and his bigger-than-life personality fits with some of the great TV dads we've seen over the years. The ones you sometimes wish were your dad. I could easily see myself sitting down on a Friday in prime time watching Addazio laugh, learn and enjoy all the great things life throws at us. Sitcoms get to the heart of who we are; they make us look at our own lives and smile. I've probably seen 10,000 episodes of sitcoms, some good (Cheers), and some not so good (Sullivan and Sons). With that, what follows is an imagined homage to what a Steve Addazio sitcom would be like. All of Addazio's lines of dialogue are taken from his live interview on Monday. The rest is fictitious.
Episode 1: “Surfer Dudes”
Little Dudes is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
INT. Living Room -- Day
A man who could easily be mistaken for a fireman, STEVE ADDAZIO, is sitting in a corduroy recliner. He has a remote control in one hand and a can in the other that reads “BEER.” He clicks the remote a few times before taking a sip of the frosty brew.
The front door opens and closes.
JESSICA, 23, is wearing jeans and a maroon sweater. She sits down on the couch next to the armchair and takes a sip out of a water bottle she pulls out of her purse.
JESSICA: Hoo boy, Dad. Watching the Kardashians again, huh?
ADDAZIO: It kinda grabs you, doesn’t it?
JESSICA: I dunno. I’m kind of over them. They’ve had their 15 minutes and more, if you ask me. Plus, I’m way more on board with The Voice and Duck Dynasty now. What if they actually had a version of that old show Dynasty with ducks playing the main characters? That’s a show I’d watch.
ADDAZIO: I don’t really have familiarity with those programs.
JESSICA: Oh, dad.
Jessica leaves the room.
Steve takes a long draw from his beer and sets it back on the table, before fumbling in a couch cushion and finding another can. The can opens with an audible crack.
V.O. (Khloe Kardashian): "This is LITERALLY the worst thing that has ever happened to us. What do you mean they don't have Pinkberry in China?"
EXT. Driveway -- DAY
Steve is washing his car, a black 1979 Thunderbird. He’s wearing a white “Boston College” shirt tucked into khaki shorts and white sneakers. There is some generic '80s hair band music on, presumably coming from a portable radio sitting just outside the garage. Steve is humming along to the tune, spraying the car down.
The music breaks down into a solo and Steve uses the end of the hose to play air guitar.
There is a 12-year-old kid, EDDIE, watching the scene from next door, his head peeking over a four-foot fence. He is wearing a baseball hat and a backpack.
The solo goes on for about 15 seconds.
EDDIE: Hey there, Coach Addazio! That’s one face-melting solo. Never knew you could play guitar with a garden hose.
Eddie climbs over the fence and picks up a rag out of a bucket of sudsy water near the car.
ADDAZIO: Can you get a yard? It’s just a yard. Go get a yard.
EDDIE: But I like your yard! And your car, boy oh boy, how do you keep that thing looking so new? That’s gotta be older than my dad. Wow!
ADDAZIO: Mental and physical toughness, that’s number one. Accountability on your right and on your left.
EDDIE: Whatever you say, Coach. Can I go for a drive?
ADDAZIO: You gotta be a dude!
Steve points the hose slowly at Eddie. The kid starts backing away slowly, dropping the rag. He raises his hands in the air. Steve unleashes hell, spraying Eddie right in his torso.
The kid runs back to his house.
Steve goes to the radio and turns it way up. The hair metal is blasting. He starts nodding his head to the music, then picks up the rag Eddie dropped. Steve starts washing the hood of the car.
EXT. Beach – DAY
Steve and the rest of his family, his wife KATHY and his kids Jessica and NICOLE, appear to be on vacation. They are on a sandy beach. There are a few people around, but it is not too crowded. Steve is wearing an Aerosmith T-shirt and a pair of American flag swim trunks. He pours a beer into one of those Nalgene bottles.
Jessica is sitting at the waterside, her toes getting hit with the tide rhythmically every 15 seconds or so.
Nicole is sunbathing. She has a large pair of sunglasses on and has earphones in.
Kathy is sitting in a beach chair, with a book held up close to her face.
KATHY: This is the life, huh, Steve? We really needed this kind of a vacation, a chance to get away from it all.
ADDAZIO: I’m really excited about it. I think it’ll be great and a lot of fun.
KATHY: Yanno, honey, Jessica, Nicole and Louie are three of the best dang kids we could ask for.
ADDAZIO: We have great kids. They’re high character, they want to be good. They’ve got work ethic. I enjoy being with them every day.
KATHY: Come over here and give me a smooch, you big lug.
Steve looks at his beer, then looks at Kathy, and gives her a firm kiss on the lips.
KATHY: Your mustache is like a big ole' pipe cleaner hahaha.
Nicole rolls her eyes and it’s the kind of eye roll you can see even with her sunglasses on. She grabs her phone and puts her head down into her beach towel.
KATHY: How did we get so lucky? How did we do it?
ADDAZIO: You gotta coach them really hard. You gotta challenge them really hard, but you’ve gotta love them and they’ve gotta know you care about them. When you do that, people will open their heart to you.
KATHY: What, are you writing greeting cards now?
Kathy and Steve kiss again.
INT. Beach Condo – NIGHT
The whole family, including son LOUIE, is sitting around a kitchen table eating dinner. There is a spread of delicious-looking food: a big lasagna, slabs of garlic bread, a bowl of salad and a few wine glasses.
Nicole reaches for a piece of garlic bread. Louie promptly blocks her with his fork.
NICOLE: Louie! I just want a piece of garlic bread. Dad, are you just going to let him get away with that block?
ADDAZIO: It’s a fever pace every single day and the success rate is relative to the output.
JESSICA: OK Yoda. [YODA IMPRESSION] Garlic bread Nicole want, yesss, but barriers there be hmmmmm.
LOUIE: [laughs] Nice one, Jess.
Louie tosses Jessica a piece of garlic bread. Nicole frowns.
KATHY: Kids, play nice. We’re here to have a great family dinner on vacation. It’s been a long few months and a big adjustment for all of us, what with dad’s new job. I think you’ve all done great.
ADDAZIO: Every week we’re up against it.
NICOLE: We can be up against it every day as long as I get a piece of garlic bread.
Louie hands the whole plate to Nicole. She takes a piece and takes a monster bite.
LOUIE: Hey Pop, I gotta ask you something. I was down there on the beach and I took my first surfing lesson. Hooboy, let me tell you, that was unbelievable! I loved it. The instructor, his name was Slater, he said I was a natural, better first timer than he’d ever seen. Man, pro surfer …
Louie puts his hand to his chin and daydreams.
ADDAZIO: You’ve gotta be a baller. You’ve gotta be great. Be a dude! Be a dude! It’s the antithesis of that. We want ‘high-motor go-get-it dudes.’ We don’t wanna go surf.
LOUIE: But Dad, I thought I was a dude!
ADDAZIO: Not yet.
Steve throws a piece of garlic bread at Louie’s head.