I'm seeing double: Four Derek Jeters!
Derek Jeter, former Yankees captain and future Hall of Famer, has been in the news a lot recently as one of the main figures bidding to buy the Miami Marlins as part of a consortium including former Florida governor and Donald Trump punching bag Jeb Bush. Together, the two are heading a group looking to purchase the team off current owner Jeffrey Loria; the other party pursuing the franchise is reportedly headed by the Romney family and Hall of Famer Tom Glavine. (I'm assuming that a third investment group led by Chipper Jones and Mike Huckabee's large adult sons came up just short).
There's been no sign of a resolution with regards to Jeter's attempts to go from player to owner—MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has said that the sale could still be months away—but the news has put the five-time World Series champion back in the spotlight (as has this cringeworthy CNBC interview alongside longtime frenemy and current Jennifer Lopez accessory Alex Rodriguez), something he's more or less avoided since retiring back in 2014. And if there's one thing that the return of Jeets has made clear, it's that the years have morphed him into an older version of Pitbull.
Don't believe me? Here's Jeter at a recent charity event next to former Rangers star Mark Messier, who is apparently cosplaying as "Mr. Clean, but a gritty New York City detective."
And here's Mr. Worldwide (formerly known as Mr. 305) at the opening of a Las Vegas restaurant next to a woman whose title is "Miss BumBum 2017."
I think you'll agree that the resemblance is eerie. Let's do another. Here's Jeter next to his wife, supermodel Hannah Davis, looking like an egg that someone lightly shaded.
And here's Armando Christian Perez, who can make Bud Lights appear with his mind and won't stop the party.
(Also, just because I can, here's a picture of Pitbull next to Shaq, which fills my heart with glee.)
This isn't to say that the men are twin brothers separated at birth (note: This would make for a fantastic movie and/or TV series), and the amazing thing is that Jeter is just six years older than Pitbull. But it's worth pondering a universe in which the two switch roles in some kind of Freaky Friday-esque mishap, with the taciturn Jeter suddenly required to be the wild heart of every Miami party and scream "DALE" until his heart bursts, while the man who made the NBA Playoffs a must-watch event suddenly gets thrust into a life of celebrity galas and having to laugh at Jeb Bush's (presumably) awful jokes. (Insert your "Please clap" cracks here.)
Yeah, this won't happen. But if Jeter does end up buying the Marlins, the least he can do is throw a bone to his hermano from another mama and let Pitbull throw out a first pitch sometimes—and they should definitely pose for a photo together.