Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski as Hockey Analysts

Figure skating commentators Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski aren't shy about bluntly critiquing skaters' outfits. Here's what some of their actual and most colorful comments might sound like if they were commenting on hockey uniforms and players of the present and past.

Author:
SI Staff
Publish date:
Dec 12, 2014

Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski as Hockey Analysts

Zdeno Chara, Bruins

Johnny: "He looks like he showed up for a practice circa 1995 Junior national championship, with the black T-shirt and black pants that don’t fit. It doesn’t do anything for his body. When you’re out there you need to accentuate all the good things." — Tara: "This has a lot of shoulder pad action! For some reason Christopher Columbus popped into my mind."

Red Wings Winter Classic

Johnny: "Oh God, they look like they work at In-N-Out Burger." — Tara: "And those shorts!"

Infamous Islanders

Johnny: "I found they were not as chic as Italian should be. It felt very sailor-y and I’m not into sailors." — Tara: "I kind of like it. I love any type of story and character that comes through the costume. I like a retro look and I also a very classic look on the man. He's very dapper!"

Maple Leafs Winter Classic

Tara: “I loved this outfit, I loved the colors. It’s the perfect proportion for him, and I love the belt — it’s simple, and it lets the audience know what they’re trying to portray for ‘Les Miserables." — Johnny: “They wore costumes from the movies and show, so it’s hard to make a mistake after that much investment and costuming dollars put into the movie. It’s very easy to copy.”

Bryan Bickell, Blackhawks

Tara: "Omigod, my favorite costume!" — Johnny: "I have nothing to say. It’s flawless. Perfection! Perfect eye makeup, perfect styling, and he looks great!"

Canadiens throwback

Tara: "I like this. Usually we are not fans of stripes, but I thought this was a very cute outfit." — Johnny: “I thought they looked really cute and age-appropriate."

Roberto Luongo

Johnny: "This is one of my 'best dressed' because if you have the body to wear a hot pink neon catsuit, you should wear one at least once in your lifetime." — Tara: "I wasn't upset with the color. … I didn’t love the front of it though. There was a lot of action on the chest that just didn’t work. But the low-cut back was beautiful."

Anaheim Ducks

Johnny: "This is like a combination of three of my previous outfits, so I love it!" — Tara: "That orange is just throwing me."

Coyotes

Johnny: "Their costumes have a lot of weird colors just stuck together. It was good for them that it adds some interest — because the skating wasn’t actually that interesting. The styling works for them." — Tara: "In a photo I don’t like it, but on the ice it looked interesting. It made them memorable.”

Scott Hartnell

Johnny: "I’m against this look and the curled hair — it was all too much for me." — Tara: "I feel a more simple costume on him would showcase his skating better."

Capitals and Penguins

Johnny: "A nightie, which I don’t think should be featured in any athletic endeavor." — Tara: "For me, the large pinstripe on a man — a zoot suit — is not a good idea. But overall, it fits them nicely."

Canucks Heritage Classic

Tara: "I want to know where someone picks that color out of the rainbow of colors you can have. That brown is terrible." — Johnny: "His brown wasn’t even a pretty brown. It was a bad coffee brown."

Sidney Crosby

Tara: "I love a good vest on a guy; he looks nice.” — Johnny: "When I was watching him in warm up, I thought he was wearing an actual winter down vest. I think the high-waisted pants are nice."

Canucks

Tara: "That’s a deep V! And the fit of the pants needs some work." — Johnny: "If you’re a true gentleman you should have some pectoral muscles to pull off a deep V like that."

Marcel Dionne, Wayne Gretzky: Kings

Johnny: "There’s a point when you grow up into an adult person that you have to be really wary of the colors that you put on yourself and how you style it, while this was reasonably appropriate, they looked very ‘Toddlers and Tiaras.’" — Tara: "There are too many colors, too many patterns going on, especially on him, with the puffed sleeves and the vest as well."

Team Russia, Sochi

Johnny: "They were skating to 'The Addams Family' — Russian style. I found the costumes distracting, and if you look at the costumes out of context they just look crazy." — Tara: "You had to be there in the arena to get the full effect."

Hartford Whalers

Johnny: "An outfit that was appropriate for 'River Dance.' But as far as the actual costume, it looks too big on him and it’s a wild color green." — Tara: "A forest green is what I’d go for. That outfit on anyone else, I wouldn’t love."

Hurricanes third jersey

Tara: "His outfit, I don’t even understand what’s going on, there are all these strings. And what is the action on his chest?" — Johnny: “His was one of my favorite costumes so far. I found it a pretty color, the beading was really excellent and the shape of the lines was excellent on the shirt."

California Golden Seals

Johnny: "I love this costume! It’s so floaty and effortless." — Tara: "There’s too much man cleavage. I would have liked to see something a little more classy."

Kings

Johnny: "I love the yellow pants. It’s right on trend." — Tara: "I disagree, I’m not loving the pants — there's too much yellow. I’m a big fan of gold, and I like that the yellow is a small accent."

Mighty Ducks

Johnny: "They could have and should have gone a lot farther with the costuming. He just looked like a poor golf player..." — Tara: He didn’t play the part at all, I was hoping for a high collar or some reference to 'Alice in Wonderland'."

Rangers third jersey

Tara: “A typical skating dress. But I like the color.” — Johnny: “But even for a modern take on ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ there was a lot going on … they should have kept it simpler.”

Team USA, Sochi

Johnny: "I was proud of … the Spanish collar but I really don’t think there’s anyone who looks good in vertical stripes." — Tara: "I’ve never been a fan of any type of glove. I think he looks great!"

Charlie Coyle, Wild

Tara: "It fit their bodies beautifully. This style on Charlie, a suit that’s tailored to perfection, looks so good on him." — Johnny: "I found it appropriate and chic. It was so ‘50s and nice."

Team Slovenia, Sochi

Johnny: "They brought the circus to Sochi." — Tara: "I guess there’s a place for neon, but I’m not sure that place is the Olympics."

Kings Stadium Series

Tara: "With grays you have to be careful, sometimes you can just mesh into the ice." — Johnny: "Skaters have to remember that costumes look differently in the arena [than they do] on TV and in photos. I would have liked to see something that stands out a little more."

Pavel Datsyuk, Red Wings

Johnny: "This is Tara’s and my favorite costume of the year, because of the feathers! Red feathers!" — Tara: "It’s just a really fun costume that suits him well."

Sean Avery

Christopher Pasatieri/Getty Images; Adam Taylor/ABC via Getty Images

Johnny: “He really always reminds me of a hockey player who is a really good dancer.” — Tara: "I’m not a fan!"