Most of us are probably guilty of taking Tim Duncan for granted. He’s sort of like a smartphone: Though we should constantly be amazed by the incredible things he does, at this point he’s just an ordinary part of our existence. Sixteen years of remarkably consistent play will do that.
But despite what some would have you believe, consistent doesn’t mean boring. Tim Duncan is one of the most nuanced and weirdly hilarious players in the NBA. He’s a riot. After all, you can’t spell The Big Fundamental without Big Fun. To help him get more of the appreciation he deserves, here are 23 very important facts about Tim Duncan.
1. He dresses like a kindergartner.
2. He somehow makes outlet passes seem sexy.
3. This is how he looks when he wins awards.
4. He knows some good poems about meat.
5. Sometimes he smells fans through the TV.
6. He really likes to surf the ‘net.
At least that’s what he says in this Q&A on his personal website, SlamDuncan.com.
7. You read that correctly. SlamDuncan.com.
8. He trolls people who deserve to be trolled.
9. Joey Crawford once ejected him for laughing …
10. … but he still managed to get the last laugh.
11. It’s almost impossible to get under his skin, but when you do, he flips you off in the CVS parking lot.
12. After the Spurs swept the Clippers in the 2012 conference semis, he hung out with Chris Paul’s son so he wouldn’t be sad.
13. He’s unabashedly nerdy …
He’s an infamous dorkwad, with hobbies ranging from sword collecting to Dungeons & Dragons.
14. … and he's visibly nerdy, too.
He has tattoos of Merlin and a spooky skeleton jester.
15. He can fight an elderly person and still seem charming.
16. David Robinson taught him the right way to shave.
17. He baits teammates into Red Wedding-esque paintball ambushes.
And then poses for photos with people who are not, and will never be, his teammates.
Of course the native of St. Croix, who at one point thought about becoming an Olympic swimmer, has a special bond with marine mammals.
via Mark Langford
20. He said some really nice things to LeBron after crushing him in the 2007 Finals.
21. In 2006, he paid Brent Barry $100 to kiss David Stern.
At the ring ceremony honoring the Spurs’ 2005 championship, a deal was made between Barry and Duncan that if Barry kissed the commissioner on the cheek, Duncan would give him a hundred bucks. And sure enough, both men lived up to their ends of the bargain.
With 32 Duncan-related articles to date, some of The Onion’s best work has involved skewering the big man for his good citizenship. Some of the shinier gems include Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly, Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day, Tim Duncan Delivers Heartfelt Speech On Fiscal Responsibility During Spurs Victory Celebration, and Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim.
23. Though he’s a 37-year-old, 14-time All-Star with an all-time-great NBA resume that includes four championships and two MVP awards, he’s only just now realizing he has arms.