Help Wanted: Sports jobs that SHOULD exist

Author:
Nicole Conlan and Andrew Doughty
Publish date:
Nov 11, 2014

Nearly everyone dreams of working in sports. From the trainers, to the managers, to the athletes themselves, there are few things as desirable as a career doing what you love for your favorite team. If you're looking for a career change, why not select from one of these options? Sure, they might be a little niche (and more importantly, completely made up), but they'll be a great stepping-stone for your career in professional sports.

Organization: New England Patriots

Position Title: Personal tailor to Bill Belichick

Description: The New England Patriots are seeking qualified applicants for the apparel alteration specialist position. The apparel alteration specialist provides direct support to head coach Bill Belichick, but must not address or otherwise engage in any form of direct contact with him. Under maximum supervision, this individual will be responsible for accurately tailoring Coach Belichick’s hooded sweatshirt sleeves to the meaningless specifications that he will provide on a weekly basis. A qualified candidate must have a basic understanding of fashion design, various brands of scissors and types of material used in each Nike sweatshirt.

Salary:Uggs gift cards

Organization: US Tennis Association

Position Title: Grunting vocal coach for Maria Sharapova

Description: Tennis superstar seeking private vocal coach for upcoming season. The vocal coach will help refine and develop the grunts and groans that take this athlete’s game to the next level while also protecting her vocal instrument and prolonging its life. Ms. Sharapova’s vocal coach should be well-versed in diaphragmatic breathing and Linklater vocal techniques. ADVANCED LEVEL coaches only, please – this is a working professional with years of experience grunting who is looking to optimize her grunting vocal technique. Broadway experience preferred but not required. Must be willing to travel.

Salary: Dave and Busters Power Chips

The good, the bad, and the ugly from Week 10 in the NFL

Organization: San Francisco Giants

Position Title: Madison Bumgarner’s nutritionist

Description: The San Francisco Giants are seeking a new nutritionist for World Series MVP Madison Bumgarner. This position presents the unique challenge of incorporating four, five, and sometimes six beers into the client’s diet. It is extremely important that Bumgarner maintain his trim figure as a rep for MadBum underwear, so the right balance of lean protein and healthy fat is necessary in combination with the beer he chugs on a regular basis.

Salary: Italian Lira (no longer a valid currency)

Is this the sloppiest soccer goal of all time?

Organization: NBA in partnership with USGA

Position Title: Charles Barkley’s Golf Coach

Description: Mr. Charles Barkley is now seeking a full-time athletic coach for the improvement of his golf swing. The golf coach will face the Sisyphean task of fixing Mr. Barkley’s notoriously appalling golf technique. This is a highly dangerous proposition – many men have attempted to take on this job, and few have emerged to tell the tale. Requirements include a background in theoretical physics to hopefully understand the mechanics of this logic-defying swing, as well as a Ph.D. or higher in Psychology to understand the severe psychological issues which both caused and resulted from this swing.

Salary: One favor, to be cashed in at a later date