Three other (ridiculous) ways Kevin Durant can choose who he signs with
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Everyone wants to sign Kevin Durant. No, seriously. Every team. Even the Hawks. How on earth is he going to choose where to go?
He’ll probably be looking for the situation that gives him the best chance to win and maybe helps set up a post-basketball career. That’s fine, but we have some other criteria for him to use.
- Best restaurant by Yelp ratings: Eating is very important for a pro athlete, so we sorted Yelp by highest rated to find the best spots.
- Best movie or TV show set in the city: What kind of impression does Durant have of his potential new homes?
- Next most famous Kevin: Is he going to be overshadowed by a more famous Kevin?
Durant is reportedly scheduled to meet with six teams: the Thunder, Celtics, Heat, Clippers, Warriors and Spurs. What does each city bring to the table?
Oklahoma City
Best restaurant
The top spot to grab a bite in OKC is this no-frills tamale joint. Durant’s max contract will go a long way, since a dozen only costs $15.
Best movie
Twister
Does Durant really want to be reminded that nature can kill him at any time in Oklahoma?
Next most famous Kevin
Kevin Calvey
There’s a state senator from OKC named Kevin but he’s only been in office for two years. He once threatened to set himself on fire over a law.
KD’s reaction
Boston
Best restaurant
I can’t be certain, but I’d wager that all those years in cattle country didn’t help Durant develop a taste for falafel. Hopefully he’s open to trying new things.
Best TV show
Cheers
Doesn’t Boston seem like such a friendly place?
Next most famous Kevin
Kevin Youkilis
Sorry, KD. No matter what you do you’ll never surpass the Greek God of Walks in the hearts of Boston fans.
KD’s reaction
Miami
Best restaurant
If the Heat’s pitch to Durant doesn’t start with the phrase “Venezuelan tapas,” they’re doing it all wrong.
Best movie
Bad Boys
As much as I want to see Durant in a white Miami Vice suit, KD and D-Wade in Bad Boys-themed Heat ads would be much better.
Next most famous Kevin
If he ends up in Miami, hopefully Durant doesn’t get into the same kind of trouble as big shot realtor Kevin Tomlinson.
“[P]olice say he tried to extort $800,000 from two high-powered brokers, known as ‘the Jills,’ and then grabbed for an officer’s gun during his arrest.”
KD’s reaction
Los Angeles
Best restaurant
If Durant is really feeling the LA vibe, this place has gluten-free pitas.
Best TV show
That one episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is suspected of being the Smog Strangler
The last thing Durant needs is to get caught up in a case of mistaken identity and end up in jail.
Next most famous Kevin
Kevin Love
You know what SoCal native Kevin Love has that KD doesn’t? A championship.
KD’s reaction
Golden State
Best restaurant
You can get a banh mi or a taco, which is super cool. The New York Times approves.
Best TV show
Full House
If Durant moves to a new city, he’ll need a strong support system. Perhaps he’d like three older men to take him in.
Next most famous Kevin
Kevin Federline
Kevin Federline isn’t from Oakland, but he is from the Golden State (he grew up in Fresno). Luckily for KD, you haven’t heard of Federline since like 2005.
KD’s reaction
San Antonio
Best restaurant
South Texas isn’t where you’d expect to find a German sausage joint, but here it is. Yelp users seem to like the German bratwurst Argentina style.
Best movie
Miss Congeniality
Next most famous Kevin
Kevin Martin
KD isn’t the only Kevin the Spurs could be chasing. After averaging 6.2 points in 16 games with San Antonio last season, Kevin Martin is a free agent. Which Kev will be the Spurs’ priority?
KD’s reaction
See, Kevin? All these options have their flaws. Just please go ahead and sign with the Knicks.