Cowboys Crystal (Foot)Ball Game-by-Game Prediction: NFC East Champs, Wild Card, Or ...
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WHITT'S END 5.12.23:
Whether you’re at the end of your coffee, your day, your week or even your rope, welcome to Whitt’s End …
*New York, New York. The city so nice the Dallas Cowboys wanna play its teams … twice?
With Thursday night’s schedule release that has the Cowboys opening against the Giants in Week 1 and Jets in Week 2, they know their path to ending a quarter-century Super Bowl drought. Alas, there are more than a couple unforeseen potholes along the way.
My seriously silly, game-by-game prediction you’ll want to – yeah, riiiiiiiight – keep handy all season:
WEEK 1 – at Giants: And you thought Jason Garrett lacked creativity? This is the eighth time in 13 seasons the Cowboys have opened against a team from New York. Daniel Jones is no Eli Manning. Cowboys 23, Giants 17 (1-0)
WEEK 2 – vs. Jets: Only person lying to the people of New York more than Aaron Rodgers is George Santos. Cowboys 31, Jets 14 (2-0)
WEEK 3 – at Cardinals: Even in a season when his team might win less than five games, Kyler Murray doesn’t lose to Dallas. Mysterious balloon on desert horizon keys upset. Cardinals 30, Cowboys 24 (2-1)
WEEK 4 – vs. Patriots: Receiver Brandin Cooks haunts his former team with first 100-yard game as a Cowboy and former Pat Stephon Gilmore gets his first Dallas interception. Cowboys 27, Patriots 9 (3-1)
WEEK 5 – at 49ers: They’ve lost to San Francisco quarterbacks Jimmy Garoppolo and Brock Purdy the last two seasons. Maybe this time it’s Trey Lance, or even Sam Darnold? 49ers 20, Cowboys 16 (3-2)
WEEK 6 – at Chargers: L.A. offensive coordinator Kellen Moore gets his revenge via TD passes on an option and a flea-flicker. Chargers 34, Cowboys 20 (3-3)
WEEK 7 – BYE: Time to try out kickers and find Ezekiel Elliott’s phone number as overused Tony Pollard begins to wear down.
WEEK 8 – vs. Rams: Remember when Matthew Stafford was better than Jared Goff? And Dak Prescott? Not anymore. Cowboys 47, Rams 10 (4-3)
WEEK 9 – at Eagles: Philly’s Georgia rookies (Jalen Carter-Nolan Smith-Kelee Ringo) swarm the Cowboys’ Michigan rookies (Mazi Smith-Luke Schoonmaker). Eagles 34, Cowboys 17 (4-4)
WEEK 10 – vs. Giants: Who needs Broadway when you host the American Country Music Awards in your headquarters? Cowboys 35, Giants 20 (5-4)
WEEK 11 – at Panthers: On the same field where Tony Romo made his first start, No. 1 overall pick Bryce Young is rudely introduced to Micah Parsons. Cowboys 41, Panthers 16 (6-4)
WEEK 12 – vs. Commanders: Mike McCarthy is calling the plays on Thanksgiving and, unlike 2020, he isn’t resorting to fake punts. Cowboys 27, Commanders 17 (7-4)
WEEK 13 – vs Seahawks: Prime-time blowout still doesn’t make up for debilitating Joey Galloway trade from … 2000. Cowboys 41, Seahawks 17 (8-4)
WEEK 14 – vs Eagles: Philly’s Georgia rookies (Jalen Carter-Nolan Smith-Kelee Ringo) swarm the Cowboys’ Michigan rookies (Mazi Smith-Luke Schoonmaker), Part II. Eagles 34, Cowboys 31 (8-5)
WEEK 15 – at Bills: AI is taking over, and the Cowboys play like soulless, predictable robots in a mid-December snowstorm that leads to Diggs (Stefon)-on-Diggs (Trevon) crime. Bills 42, Cowboys 21 (8-6)
WEEK 16 – at Dolphins: Santa brings Dallas Christmas Eve sunshine and a key scamper by a 5-foot-5 elf named Deuce Vaughn. Cowboys 24, Dolphins 23 (9-6)
WEEK 17 – vs. Lions: During his career as a backup tight end in Dallas, Detroit coach Dan Campbell caught two touchdowns. Or, one more than this offense can muster at AT&T Stadium. Cowboys 30, Lions 11 (10-6)
WEEK 18 – at Commanders: Crappy New Year! Cooper Rush shines in meaningless finale, but Dallas limps into playoffs as Wild Card. Commanders 26, Cowboys 21 (10-7)
PLAYOFFS – What, you think I have a crystal (foot)ball?
*May 15, 2022: Dallas Mavericks jump to a 57-27 halftime lead in Phoenix and trounce the Suns by 33 points in Game 7 of their playoff series to advance to the Western Conference Finals.
May 16, 2023: After inexplicably tanking the final two games of the regular season despite being mathematically alive for a playoff berth, the Mavs will be crossing their fingers in the NBA Lottery. Unfathomable fall from grace.
*When you see general manager Nico Harrison on the Lottery stage Tuesday night, he’ll be hoping the Mavs get their 80-percent odds of hanging onto their protected Top 10 pick from the Kristaps Porzingis trade and – even better – cash in on their three-percent chance of grabbing the No. 1 pick and drafting French phenom Victor Wembanyama.
We, however, won’t be able to forget how they got there. And, more importantly, what they gave up to get there.
With two games remaining in the regular season, the Mavs had a chance to sneak into the play-in tournament. But instead – despite Luka Doncic and Kyrie Irving being healthy – they quit. Flat-out quit. Lost the last two games, on purpose.
For their inexcusable crime of not trying, the Mavs were fined $750,000 by the league for “undermining the integrity of our sport.”
You know who didn’t quit, and instead relished their opportunity in the play-in tournament? The Miami Heat.
They won an elimination game over the Chicago Bulls in the play-in tournament, upset the top-seeded Milwaukee Bucks in the first round and now are one home win from eliminating the New York Knicks and playing in the Eastern Conference Finals as the 8th seed.
Sad, nauseating truth: Jimmy Butler has done for the Heat what Mavs management didn’t believe a combination of Luka-Kyrie could do for Dallas.
*I admit, I need some therapy. Because the Texas Rangers’ last decade has saddled me with some serious baseball PTSD.
We’re headed toward mid-May and I can’t see the Rangers’ hot 23-14 start, them leading the AL West or Marcus Semien being baseball’s first lead-off hitter with 30 RBI this season. Without their best pitcher (Jacob deGrom) and best player (Corey Seager), they are 5-1 against last year’s World Series teams and 10-3 against last year’s playoff teams. But here I am, stuck on April 21, when they blew a 4-0, first-inning lead to the Oakland A’s.
I know, I know. There are 162 games and “that the way baseball go,” etc. But, still, it was the A’s. The historically horrible A’s. How bad are they? How about 8-31 with a run differential of -150. The next-closest team is only -68. Though they still own the worst loss in Major League Baseball this season, a four-game sweep this weekend in Oakland would soften the blow. It’s also completely necessary.
So far, so good after Nathan Eovaldi struck out a career-high 12 and shut out Oakland, 4-0, Thursday night.
*Went to legendary Cedar Crest golf course in southern Dallas this week for the unveiling of a statue of Charlie Sifford. He’s the one that opened doors for black golfers, so much so that Tiger Woods named his named his son “Charlie.” When Tiger won The Masters in 1997, we all figured it would commence a revolution of black golfers. But here we are 26 years later and there’s only one – Harold Varner III, 64th – ranked in the world Top 100 rankings.
Programs like First Tee and I Am a Golfer have made the sport more accessible for minorities but, sadly, I’m not sure golf will catch on if it hasn’t already.
*Flipped over the Dallas Stars Game 5 Thursday night just in time to see them score a goal but keep on playing because no one – not even the goal-scorer – was sure it was goal. Only in hockey.
*To keep my body (and hopefully, mind) from rapidly decaying, I regularly compete in Spartan events. Running. Crawling. Jumping. Climbing. Lifting. Slogging through mud. The necessary mindset is streamlined, bare bones, no excess nor excuses. The financial aspect of it, however, is the exact opposite. Signed up for a race next weekend in Austin and – in addition to the $140 entry price – were added fees for “administration” and “processing”, both $20 a pop. Ouch. That doesn’t feel like Spartan. It feels like layers of unnecessary fat.
*Hot.
*Not.
*Jerry-Rigged? After a quarter-century of foiled plans, is Jerry Jones plum out of ideas?
*Last week I wondered about the status of forever Rangers' radio voice Eric Nadel, who hasn't been behind the microphone this season because of mental health issues. We'll get some - hopefully good - answers Friday afternoon when he does an interview at 5 p.m. on The Fan.
*Remember last week when I admitted to being scared shirtless about AI? Well, now bots are predicting stocks better than hedge fund managers, and Google is about to introduce AI into its main-page search engine. Hello, “Bard”?
*Luka made his fourth All-NBA First Team this season. He’s already tied Dirk Nowitzki for most in Mavs’ history. He’s 24.
*As mad/sad as I am about the mass shooting last weekend at an outlet mall in Allen I’ve been to many times, I’m not going to go on a political rant about the lack of gun control in America. Instead, I’ll just re-post my 2012 column for CBS that I wish wasn’t so dang accurate.
*I will, however, use this space to take serious issue with the sentiments of Allen Maylor Kenneth Fulk, who pledged that his community “will band together, recover and move forward stronger than ever.” Wait, stronger than ever?! What a slap in the face to the families of the victims. A 6-year-old boy lost his parents and his only brother. A Mom and Dad lost both their middle-school daughters. They’re dead. They’re never coming back. Those families will be haunted, forever. For an elected official to say his community will be “stronger than ever” without them is simply an ignorant, inexcusable insult. And it’s part of the problem. In the wake of these tragedies, we simply offer empty “thoughts and prayers”, hold candlelight vigils, attach a hashtag to a city - #AllenStrong - and essentially go about our business. But in the wake of a tragic shooting, nothing should be business as usual. And we shouldn’t give lip service to “stronger than ever.”
*Texas A&M football coach Jimbo Fisher is a bozo. No way around it. What kind of coach has enough talent for some to predict his team will win a national championship, flop to a 5-7 record and then have the audacity to ridicule a team that lost in the title game?
Jimbo, that’s who. Speaking to the Fort Worth Aggies Club this week, Fisher said of TCU: “They stayed healthy, they had a lot of experience and they got to where they had to get to. And then when they got to the SEC, it changed didn’t it?”
Yes, the Horned Frogs were trounced by Georgia. But the Aggies lost to Appalachian State. At home. Zip it, Bozo.
*Remember that time Kobe Bryant didn’t flinch when Matt Barnes faked a pass inches from his face and we thought it was the coolest Gangsta move ever? Found a guy who topped him this week at Dallas’ Life Is Good Café on Greenville Ave. No way I let a snake crawl up my chair and into my lap without freaking out, much less calmly continuing to video it.
*Life’s a beach? They failed to take the Cowboys to the Super Bowl. Maybe Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones can finally win a championship ... on the sand.
*You gotta be kitten me! $1,000 for a “lost” cat? Um, cats don’t get lost. They sometimes run away. Saw this reward in Plano this week, but no way any cat is worth that amount of … this just in, my meow sources are claiming people actually pay as much as $125,000 for a certain breed.
*There are probably things more painful than watching Rangers’ 68-year-old manager Bruce Bochy and his worn-out hips amble to the mound. But while he’s in the process, I can’t think of any.
*Some Cowboys fans – you know who you are – consider their team’s draft a complete success simply because they selected two players that will allow them to make that quizzically popular “oooooh” sound.
Where once there was Daryl “Moose” Johnston and then Amari Cooper, now there is Deuce and Schoonmaker.
*This Weekend? Friday let’s spend the day at the Byron Nelson golf tournament. Saturday let’s spend the night at the Dallas Theater Center. Sunday let’s spend Mothers’ Day with, duh, Mom. As always, don’t be a stranger.
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