Friday October 17th, 2014

Attaching sports to anything is a sure-fire way to make it seem a little cheesy. Have a fine white plate? Stamp a Lakers logo on it and that plate isn't seeing the light of day in front of company. Those bed sheets with the Yankees insignia splattered all over it are reserved for children and New York talk radio hosts. So, it's not surprising that songs about sports are often awful (and entertaining in their own way). Here are some of the worst offenders:

"Marlins Will Soar" by Scott Stapp

​Let's start off with a song so bad it makes me want to ship America's pastime to another country. Creed frontman Scott Stapp loves the Marlins, and like so many lovers before him, he composed them a song. It combines all the worst things about music (Creed) with all the worst things about baseball (the Marlins). Featuring Stapp's signature move of stretching one syllable out if the word doesn't fit quite right, as well as stellar lyrics such as "strike outs, base hits, double plays," it might not only be the worst song about baseball, but also the worst song of all time.

Michael Morse hits the biggest home run of his life

"We're England Underneath " by Thomas Spencer-Wortley

It's hard to be too critical of "We're England Underneath" because the charity song was made to aid Kick4Life but... this is so incredibly silly. Ostensibly made in support of England for the 2010 World Cup, this song by Thomas Spencer-Wortley sounds like what would happen if "We Are the World" and a sleeping pill collided. 

"Don't Tread" by Clint Dempsey

Clint Dempsey is a really awesome soccer player. Lets just say that he should leave the rapping to the professionals. Dempsey isn't an embarrassment or anything but rhymes like these aren't going to catapult him to rap fame either:

We chased and grabbed a-hold of our dreams

Now we play on the field where the grass is greens

And we can tell by the looks on the face

When they find out what the dream is we chased

"Red Hot" by the Calgary Flames

This teeters on being the best thing ever but "Red Hot" by the Calgary Flames flies a little too close to the sun. Every '80's cliche is so proudly pronounced that this would be a great parody if it weren't so damn earnest. "Because you can't touch a flame when it's RED HOT!"

"Get Metsmerized!" by the New York Mets

Want some stereotypical '80's synths mixed with stilted '80's rapping done by guys who have no business being in a music studio? "Metsmerized!" by the 1986 New York Mets has you covered. How bad does it get? Here's a small sampling of the hot bars being spit on the track:

You know California

Is where I'm from

But for New York

I hit home runs


"Anfield Rap" by Liverpool FC

The 1980's must have been a magical time for sports-music tie-ins. Unlike the other songs on this list, "Anfield Rap" actually enjoyed some (inexplicable) success as the song managed to reach No. 3 on the UK's Singles Chart. So, maybe the joke is on the world at large.

"Buddy's Watchin' You" by the Philadelphia Eagles

The 1985 Bears pretty much forced every NFL team to come up with a song of their own but "Buddy's Watchin' You" may be one of the worst attempts. Is there anything more comically awful than a rap about being a kicker? But, hey, it's still better than "Fly Eagles Fly."

"Let's Ram It!"  by the St. Louis Rams

I'm pretty sure this is the best-worst song in existence. The entire song is unapologetic in its sexual imagery to the point that it circles from being awful to being hilarious to being amazing. Just look at these lyrics and weep at this horrible masterpiece of music:

I'm a mountain man from West VA

They call me Harrah and I came to play

I learned long ago to ram it just right

So you can ram it all day and ram it all night

Oh. I... uh... I'm not sure we're actually allowed to print those lyrics on Sports Illustrated. Yeeeesh.

Ryan Wong is a writer for Next Impulse Sports

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