Grading Donald Trump’s 36 hottest sports takes
Donald Trump, the maybe-billionaire with the complexion of a Cheeto running for president who is set to become President of the United States, loves to make bold claims on Twitter. Usually they’re about Hillary Clinton, but there was a time when they were about sports.
Trump, who once helped ruin the USFL, is apparently a big sports fan. He tweets a lot about football and golf, sometimes adding in some basketball and baseball commentary. He approaches his sports takes with the same brash Trumpiness that we’ve come to love tolerate on the campaign trail.
Trump doesn’t tweet about sports these days, instead using Twitter to brag about predicting terror attacks. That’s a bummer, because some of his sports takes were pretty good.
We decided to grade them, both on spiciness and validity, on a scale of 0 to 5 Trump wigs. The more wigs, the better and more respectable the take.
The Take: NFL games are boring!
The Grade: 3 wigs
Trump tweeted seven times during the 2014 NFL season about how boring the game is but this is the best one of the bunch, mostly because “My Magnificent Imagination” will now be the name of my My Morning Jacket cover band.
The Take: Deflategate is Benghazi, and also Tom Brady is not a murderer.
The Grade: 1.5 wigs
Friends, these takes are as hot as they get. Has an active NFL player ever been charged with murder? Is Tom Brady the Secretary of State? It doesn’t matter, Don has to get these takes off.
The Take: The 2012 Jets will be good.
The Grade: 0 wigs
The “great win” Trump references there was a 17–10 win over the historically inept Jaguars, who finished 2–14. And the Jets didn’t run the table. They lost their last three games to finish at 6–10.
The Take: Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame!
The Grade: 2.5 wigs
The Baseball Hall of Fame has built a big, beautiful wall to keep Pete Rose out and Trump has no fewer than 15 tweets calling for the Hall to open its borders to him. Most of them are addressed to Major League Baseball, which doesn’t actually control who gets into the the Hall. He gets points for persistence, though.
The Take: The Seahawks should have handed off to Marshawn Lynch!
The Grade: 5 wigs
He’s right.
The Take: Johnny Manziel “will be a star.”
The Grade: .5 wigs
He should have retracted this after the Browns took him.
The Take: The Kick Six was pretty good.
The Grade: 1 wig
The guy who uses an average of two exclamation marks per tweet couldn’t muster one after the craziest college football play of the millennium?
The Take: The Broncos blew the 2012 Divisional Round game against the Ravens
The Grade: 4.5 wigs
Trump is totally right about the Broncos’ defensive flub, but Denver was probably smart not to passed on third down right after the two minute warning. They got to run an extra 45 seconds off the clock, leaving Baltimore with just 1:15 to complete the comeback.
The Take: Penn State’s football team should be shut down. Or, wait, no, the deal with the NCAA was too harsh.
The Grade: .5 wigs
Make up your mind, Donny.
The Take: Muslims don’t play sports.
The Grade: This scene from Billy Madison
Don, my man. You got your hairpiece in a bunch when one of them criticized you.
The Take: I hope old-ass Derek Jeter drags himself back for another year.
The Grade: 1.5 wigs
Jeter’s farewell 2014 season was one of the worst in history.
The Take: Kevin Youkilis is a good replacement for Alex Rodriguez
The Grade: 0 wigs
Trump thought eight games were enough to declare that Youkilis was having a “terrific start.” He batted .160 in his 20 games after this tweet, before he needed season-ending back surgery.
The Take: The Yankees are Obama.
The Grade: 1 wig
Bonus points for having the sense to stop short of demanding a longform birth certificate from Mark Teixeira.
The Take: Alex Rodriguez is a bad tenant, unlike my sweet, sweet boy Derek Jeter.
The Grade: 2.5 wigs
The Donald has more than 60 tweets about Alex Rodriguez. Nearly all of them are about how he’s a “druggie.” That’s boring, give me more details about being A-Rod’s landlord.
The Take: Madison Bumgarner should have started Game 7 of the World Series on two days rest
The Grade: 2 wigs
Nah. Letting Hudson start, keeping him on a short leash, and having Bumgarner come in for a five-inning save was a much better idea.
The Take: David Wright was very good in 2012
The Grade: 4.5 wigs
There’s no such thing as “1st Team All Stars” in baseball, so we’ll have to assume he means Wright should have won the fan vote to be the starter at third base for the NL. He’s right. Wright’s 1.004 first-half OPS was 142 points higher than Pablo Sandoval’s .862.
The Take: The president can’t tackle multiple issues.
The Grade: 0 wigs
The only plus side of Trump getting elected would be shoving these tweets back in his face.
He also made this garbage joke.
The Take: RG3 is good.
The Grade: 4 wigs
This was true at the time, at least. Make RG3 Great Again.
The Take: The refs missed a pass interference call at the end of Super Bowl XLVII
The Grade: 4 wigs
He’s right about the missed call, but I’m docking him points for bragging about his supposed streak.
The Take: Politics = exciting. Football = boring.
The Grade: 2.5 wigs
Some would say this election is “exciting.” Others would say it’s “emotionally exhausting.”
The Take: World Series should be fun!
The Grade: 2.5 wigs
A bland take. It’s Game 6 of the World Series, give me some more detail.
The Take: Supporting Jeb Bush cost the Jets.
The Grade: 1.5 wigs
Johnson supports Trump now, so place your bets accordingly. (UPDATE: One day before his inauguration, Trump named Johnson his ambassador to the United Kingdom.)
The Take: I’ve never played golf with Samuel L. Jackson, who, by the way, stinks at golf.
The Grade: 1 wig
Jackson was right, by the way. Trump totally cheats at golf.
The Take: President Obama runs the USOC.
The Grade: 1 wig
Is this when Trump decided to start getting friendly with Russia?
The Take: Give Tebow a shot!
The Grade: 1.5 wigs
Games. They have games to lose.
The Take: Jeremy Lin will be a “franchise star” for the Knicks.
The Grade: 3.5 wigs
As a Knicks fan, this hurts me. Lin should have been a Knicks icon.
The Take: Andy Murray should have been Scot of the Year.
The Grade: 5 wigs
This take is bad, but it’s so perfectly Trump. Glenfiddich gave the Scot of the Year Award to a guy who refused to sell his land to Trump. Naturally, this makes him a “loser,” according to Trump. What better place to air your petty grievances than on Twitter?
The Take: The Lakers are looking good!
The Grade: 2 wigs
Dwight was supposed to be a Shaq-like partner for Kobe. Kobe came to regret his choice of a partner. Hmm, where have I heard that before?
The Take: Mike Trout is good!
The Grade: 4.5 wigs
Actually, he’s the best young player ever.
The Take: The Cowboys made a good draft pick.
The Grade: 5 wigs
The pick he’s referring to is guard Zack Martin, who was a Pro Bowl and First-Team All-Pro selection as a rookie. Trump knows a thing or two about offensive lines.
The Take: Stephen Strasburg will resent the Nats’ decision to shut him down.
The Grade: 1.5 wigs
Strasburg signed a seven-year extension with the Nationals this year.
The Take: The NFL should let me buy the Bills! Actually, no thanks.
The Grade: .5 wigs
Trump spent a few weeks in 2014 retweeting Bills fans who wanted him to buy the team and tagging @nflcommish. Then he tried to pretend he was alright with losing out to Terry Pegula.
The Take: I have totally normal reasons to root for the Heat.
The Grade: 1 wig
Give me a break.
The Take: LeBron is clutch.
The Grade: 5 wigs
This is the only evidence that Trump’s Twitter feed is not run by Skip Bayless.
The Take: Kevin Garnett loves me.
The Grade: 2 wigs
I hope it was just so KG could talk trash.
The Take: Roger Goodell gave a dumb press conference.
The Grade: 4.5 wigs
Goodell is a clown. NFL players mocked the hell out of that press conference, too.
